Because You Apparently Need A Diagram, Here It Is

Dear Parents of students in my children's school,

You are probably wondering what this diagram represents. If you scroll down, you will see that I have labeled certain areas within the diagram.

This is a diagram of the front of our school. Granted, it is a somewhat bland drawing, however, artistic ability does not matter in this instance.

I have labeled the school, itself, the walkway that leads to the front door, the sidewalk, the crosswalk, and the street.

Basic and to the point, no?

You might now be wondering what those colorful rectangles are at the bottom right of the diagram.

No, they are not pieces of confetti from a ticker tape parade we had in your honor.

Let me elaborate:

1 - 4: These images represent random cars on **** Ave. between 8:30 and 8:45 in the morning.

1-3 have let their children out across the street from the school, some on the wrong side of the car, right into the middle of the street. Said cars have then moved on without a second glance back and tried not to drive directly into the car coming at them from the opposite direction; all while drinking their coffee and texting on their cell phone.

4 is some dumb schmuck who either just moved to town and didn't know of the chaos that is morning drop off or...well, some dumb schmuck who enjoys getting stuck in the middle of a clusterfuck.

5: The mother in this car has stopped, put the car into park, gotten out of the car, helped little Johnny get his backpack on, stepped back and smiled at him, licked her hand and plastered down his cowlick, hugged him, and then waved goodbye with a tear in her eye. She stands proudly on the sidewalk until he has meandered his way through the front doors. Only then does she break from her dream and return to her car. Not once does she realize that she has held up a line of a dozen cars, all of which have children waiting to be educated, just like little Johnny.

9: I will skip to number 9 as an option for number 5. If you must cherish every waking moment, please, pull up to one of the ten open spots on the other side of the crosswalk. This will allow for a very productive flow of traffic. It will also help with my urge to fling my flip flop at your head.

6 & 7: These two go hand in hand. 6, like 5, gets out of their car but not to see their offspring off to the wonderful world of learning. No, 6 saw 7 behind her and, "HiiiiiiEEEEE!! Wait until I tell you what happened to Gertrude and did you see what Sally was wearing to the party on Saturday annnnnnddddd....."7 was so excited to hear the latest gossip she didn't even pull the car up to the curb. She just stopped right where she was and ushered her kids out of the door. Neither 6 nor 7 even knows if their kids went into the school or hightailed it to the swings to play instead.

8: Do you see that big orange-yellow bus behind you? Yea, that one. Did you feel the slight bump when you ran over the orange-yellow traffic cone? Yea, that one. That cone designates the area for the Special Needs bus. Douchebag.

10: This is me. You can't see it, but there is smoke pouring from the window. That? That would be the smoke pouring from my ears.

Please take a moment to study this diagram.

This may not pertain to all of the parents in our school. But, if the shoe fits? Please kick yourself in the arse with it and get a grip!

That is all.

Sincerely,

A fed up mommy

He Needs Spell Check and His Teacher, Probably Some Smelling Salts

My two youngest children are learning like crazy this year at school. They have both learned how to read. And T. is beginning to spell.

They are like little sponges.

It's amazing to watch how quickly they catch on. One day they can barely sound out the word cat and the next day they are reading books to me.

It is quite awesome.

T. had homework last week that involved measuring area. He was to draw a shape and then place pennies within that shape. Next he needed to record how many pennies were able to fit inside the shape.

He wanted NO help in spelling any of the words.


Next he needed to compare the pennies to the space quarters would take up. Could he fit more pennies in the shape or more quarters?



Is it me or does that "n" seem to illustrate his answer?

Like A Scene From A Cartoon

Back in September, I wrote about W. and his studying, or lack thereof. I took some of your advice and backed off. Because as much as my controlling ways fought me, I know, deep down, that I must let him take control of his own school work.

If I didn't he'd never get through it.

So, reluctantly I took a backseat. I still question him to make sure his homework is done. I still ask if he has any quizzes or tests coming up that he needs to study for. But I let him be responsible for it all.

It's tough.

I started to see his grades falter. He still had passing grades for the most part, but I did see a few that were not quite up to par. I was given papers to sign and return. The teacher wanted proof that I knew of the substandard grade.

I told W. he needed to get a grip and take his work more seriously. I explained that the year would get harder, not easier. He needed to study for his tests. And better yet, he needed to KNOW when those tests were being given.

Apparently, THAT was a problem.

I became aware of THAT when I went through his papers and found a Science quiz that he never told me he had coming up.

Did you ever see the Spongebob episode entitled "No Free Rides"? Here's a clip:



Now, watch the episode again and imagine W. as Spongebob and Mrs. Puff as his Science teacher. Next replace Spongebob's boating test with W.'s quiz. And finally instead of a 6, think of a 4, as in 4%.

Yes, my son got a 4% on a quiz. How is that even possible?

Well, That Didn't Take Long!

I received R.'s first phone call home from the teacher. Already. Yup, I knew the day would come, I just didn't expect it to be so soon.

R., though very feisty, can also be quite the scaredy cat. She can be clingy with me when faced with a new situation or with new people. Once she sees that she is safe, she warms up quite quickly. But until the thaw has begun? She wants no part of anything.

A prime example was Kindergarten orientation. She cried. She clung. She refused to go to school. When the children lined up with their new teacher to be taken on a tour, she begged for me to go. I walked along with her to her classroom and stopped at the door. She went right in and that was that. She came back skipping and waving.

She continued going to school every day with a smile on her face. Then on Thursday, R. got the rug pulled out from underneath her tiny body.

The teacher's voicemail explained that a new student had joined their class and R. became extremely upset.

My brow furrowed.

Mrs. C. said that R. was crying and saying that she did not want this new student in their class. She wouldn't eat her snack. "She's quite the stubborn little thing!" The teacher went on to say.

"SEE?! No one believes me!" I thought to myself. That petite, sweet angel. Yea, until you piss her off!

Apparently, the teacher got a load of my darling daughter's willpower. She wouldn't stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance and glared at the teacher when she told her to get up. She didn't want to go to gym class. She didn't want to participate in circle time. She didn't want to budge from her chair.

She was petrified of this new child and how a monkey wrench was thrown into her now comfortable existence in Kindergarten.

When she came home from school we discussed what had happened. She is very perceptive and understood everything that we talked about. The conversation went very well and I was convinced that everything had been smoothed over.

The next morning she awoke happily, bounced down the stairs, and plopped on the couch. I told her she needed to get dressed for school.

"Oh, I'm not going to school today," she answered.

"Um, yes, you are," I replied.

"Will HE be there?"

"Of course."

"Then I'm not going. Someone was absent yesterday. So you can be absent. I am going to be absent today."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I knew the next hour was going to be a nightmare but I also found it quite amusing that she had figured this all out. I dug my heels in and after a small battle we headed out the door to school.

I had written the teacher a note and told her that I would actually be in the school for about an hour that day for Library duty. If she needed me, I had my cell phone.

I must have checked that cell phone a few dozen times. No calls.

Upon picking her up, R. came out, with a huge grin on her face. I got a thumbs up from Mrs. C. and I stopped holding my breath.

R. pointed to a rather large boy in the line of children. "That's him mommy. He's nice."

I looked over and it became perfectly clear to me WHY R. had been so shaken up. This child was the size of a 2nd grader. He towered over R. and reminded me of a very young Moose from the Archie comics.

Maybe she can hire him as her bodyguard, that way she'll ALWAYS feel safe!

Studying Woes

It's only one week into the new school year and I'm frazzled. W. has now entered the 6th grade. He's playing with the big kids now.

W. is naturally smart. He received 4 A's and 1 B as his average grades, in his primary subjects, last year. He didn't put in a whole lot of effort. I did...but he, unfortunately isn't one to go above and beyond. If it's not fun, he doesn't want to do it.

Studying and homework can be a battle.

It's frustrating because with even the slightest bit of elbow grease, he'd really do exceptionally well. But his philosophy has been, "Why bother? I do well enough this way."

And yes, he does. I'm not a stickler for grades. I, of course, want my children to do well. This world requires that if you want to live comfortably in adulthood. But I am not one to insist on straight A's or face my wrath. I just want you to do the best that you can.

And I know he CAN do better. He CAN break a sweat once in a while. Because everything comes to him so easily, he's gotten lazy. I try to explain to him that he needs to improve his work ethic because though he has done well in the past, as he progresses through middle school, things are going to get harder. Things may not come as easily to him. He may actually have to....shall I say the word....STUDY!

Gasp!

The work load has increased tremendously. He already has four quizzes on the schedule. FOUR! I spent last night making up mock tests (on www.easytestmaker.com - great site!). I don't mind helping him prepare but how much is too much? I already went through school and I feel like I'm doing it again.

Do any of you have middle school or older kids? I'm going through this for the first time. Does anyone have any studying advice?

I have to figure something out....I've got to do this two more times!!! I'm not sure my heart can take it.

Aloha, Mr. Hand....um...Mr. David

At 12:30 pm every weekday, I bring T. and R. to school. First I drop off T. in the lobby, where he lines up with his Kindergarten classmates. Then I exit the school and walk down the sidewalk to another entrance. R. and her Pre-K class line up there.

Yesterday was gorgeous and the children were running around, taking full advantage of the summer like day. The parents stood by and chatted. We each waited patiently for Miss L., the teacher, to relieve us of our parental duties for two and a half hours. Two and a half precious, PEACEFUL hours.

There was a young man standing next to the grandma of one of the students. I had never seen him before, but assumed he was with her. Then I heard her say, "She lines them up here." Then she asked me, "Do you know who the line leader is this week?"

I mouthed the words, "Is HE a substitute?" She smiled and rolled her eyes and then nodded. I think my eyes bugged out a bit.

Now, I have total faith in our school. I know they wouldn't hire a teacher that wasn't qualified. He just didn't LOOK like a teacher. His Chinos were wrinkled, his white dress shirt with the blue pin strips, that was untucked, was worse. I wondered if he had pulled them out of a heap on the floor, smelled them for cleanliness, and decided, "Good enough!"

He stood, a bit hunched over. I wanted to get him a chair because I thought he might fall asleep at any moment. Was he out with his buddies last night? Or did he get up at the crack of dawn to go surfing......Duuuuuuuuude?

Yes, that's what he reminded me of, a surfer. Blonde, messy hair; a blank look on his face. He held a black motorcycle helmet in his hand. Someone asked him if he had a motorcycle, not that the helmet was any clue. He seemed to perk up for a second and answered, "Yea! A Harley!"

Duuuuuuuude!

The grandma and some of the parents turned to me. I am the veteran of this group, as I've been through the school with W. already. My eyes grew big as if to say, "OH BOY!"

I thought. R. is NOT going to like this. She is always less than thrilled when there is a substitute. A MAN substitute was going to be that much harder for her to deal with. I said to her, "R. this is Mr. David, he is going to be here for Miss L. today."

blink blink

She looked like she might throw up or run for the hills. I couldn't blame her, as I was not sure Spicoli could handle the job either.

I walked over to her and placed my arms around her. Hoping she wouldn't hear the apprehension in my voice, I whispered, "Don't worry Miss C. will still be here today." Miss C. is the assistant who R. adores.

The kids lined up. The parents all moved closer to their kids, as though they might grab them and flee. Miss C. came off the school bus with the last of the kids from the class. She must have smelled the fear in the air.

She whispered to me, "Don't worry, I won't leave them." She glanced at Mr. David and then looked me in the eye, "Not for a second!"

Ahhhh.....Thank GAWD for Miss C.

And They Called It Puppy Love

R. has been doing very well going to school this week. She gets ready without hesitation and whips her backpack on the first time I ask her to.

She practically skips the distance to school.

Hmmmm.....

Knowing my daughter, like I do, I know she's not that enthusiastic because she enjoys a structured, rule abiding day. There has GOT to be more to it than that!

Oh boy, and is there ever!

The Pre-K class is dismissed fifteen minutes prior to the rest of the elementary school. This works out perfectly, as I need to sign T. out in a different area of the school.

As we are walking to the gym, where T. is set free, I ask R. how her day went. She told me about playing at the sand table with "Zachary". Not Zach as I've heard everyone else call him, but "Zaaachaaary".

My right eyebrow arched a bit.

We proceeded into the gym to wait with the other moms and dads. Inside was Zachary and his mom. I walked over to say hello. We began to chat and I looked down at the kids.

Zach was peeking out from behind his mom's legs. R. was burying her head in my crotch and then peeking over at Zach.

Both kept giggling and their smiles? Well, together they could light up Broadway.

I glanced up at Zach's mom. We both smirked.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I understand the reason my dear daughter LOOOOOVES school.

Flies and Poop

My readers are going to start dropping like flies unless I start posting more. I've been spending a lot of time with my Blub Blub Sisters over here. Our BlubHer Overhaul officially started yesterday and I'm trying to get myself healthy. By the way, it's not too late to join us. We've got a great bunch of women there that are simply amazing. Everyone is TREMENDOUSLY supportive. Send me an email if you'd like to jump on the bandwagon.

So, get this. R. went to school yesterday and she went IN smiling!! Um hum...yes she did! I was so proud and excited. She's starting to really enjoy herself now. I am so happy for her.

Now, if I could stop her from poopin' in her drawers. She did well today, but she's been having accidents constantly. I would say it's nerves from school, but it started long before school was an issue.

It's really just a case of being too involved in what she is doing to stop and use the toilet. The other day she had another accident and unfortunately for him, Mr. Schmitty had clean-up duty. I needed to stay in the other room because I was afraid I might rub her nose in it like you would a naughty puppy.

When she came out of the bathroom she said, "Mom, do you know WHY I pooped in my pants?"

I replied, "Um, because you were being too lazy to get up and use the toilet?"

To which she responded, "Well, that's the first reason."

The things she says...OY! And here is another R.ism...though it's totally unrelated to poop or flies, it is just as darned cute.

We were watching tv in her room the other day and a commercial came on for ForReal Friends. They have a new dog which now rolls over.

"Look mama, isn't he cute?"

I thought to myself, "No, not really." It really is kind of an ugly pooch but I told her, "Yes, R., he is."

"I like him!"

Of course she does. She is the stuffed doggie QUEEN! "He can even tumble!"

"I know mama, just like a weed!!"

Can They Expel A Pre-Schooler?

I'm sorry I've left you all hanging on the outcome of Miss R.'s first few days of school. Thank you to everyone who commented.

The boys absolutely LOVE school, their teachers, their new friends, and everything else about 5th Grade and Kindergarten.

R.? Not so much.

Thursday was her first official day. I was very nervous because of the way she reacted the day before - WITH me there. It was rough, as was today.

T. and R. both need to be at school at 12:30. He goes in the front door of the building and lines up with his classmates, in the vestibule, at the main entrance. I need to wait with him until his teacher arrives.

I was hoping that R. would see that T. was so happy to be there. I wanted her to feed off of his excitement. I guess she thought he was full of shit, because as soon as we went outside to find her class (the Pre-K kids line up outside at another door), she began to whine that she wanted to go home.

I kept distracting her with small talk, in my ever so chipper voice, and walked to the back of the line with her. The teacher directed the children to start walking into the building.

The line moved. R. did not. She stood completely still. The poor kids behind her didn't know what to do.

Thankfully one of the other moms was quick on her feet. She asked R. to bring her daughter, E., a band-aid because "She really might need this."

R. understanding the importance of band-aids to a 4 year old, began to head to the door. I wanted to hug and kiss that mama.

I looked ahead and saw R. hand the girl the band-aid and again she planted her feet firmly to the concrete. She was not going to step one foot into the building.

Then I saw her teacher pick her up.

My entire body tensed. I was praying to the Lord above that R. didn't clock her during the first week of school.

I turned and went, tears streaming down my face and the sound of my daughter's cries ringing in my ears.

I went home and waited by the phone, sure that I would get a phone call stating that my daughter had given Ms. Liz a black eye.

The call never came and R. came out of that building at 3 pm with her good behavior sticker and a smile.

Third Post Today!

I got hit with a triple whammy today. First my oldest headed off to 5th grade, ON.THE.BUS, in the Big, Bad Middle School.

Then my middle guy had his first day of Kindergarten in the elementary school.

And finally, my dear daughter, R., had her orientation for Pre-School in the elementary school. I was allowed to stay for this and it was only an hour.

My R. is an unpredictable one. You all have heard about her personality, her stubborn streak, her anger management issues, right? Well, my sweetie can also surprise you, so you never quite know how any situation will pan out.

I began preparing her for Pre-School a few weeks ago. She either acted happy about going or she completely ignored me as though I wasn't there. I would be going on and on about all of the fun activities that she would be doing and she would begin talking over me about Spongebob.

This morning she seemed really excited. She put on her new pink dress and her sandals. We walked the few blocks to school, hand in hand, practicing our phone number. We climbed the steps to the front door. We walked into the hallway where the children, who were to be her classmates, stood.

She turned to leave, pulling me by the hand.

I coaxed her into staying and we walked to the classroom. Upon entering she stuck her butt out, bent at the waist, and started to back-pedal. Again, I began talking about all of the neat things in the room and asked her if she could find the chair with her name on it. She really has been into writing her name lately, so this was a fun task. After she found her chair, she noticed the play kitchen. YIPPEEE!!! She began to play and actually made three new friends.

It was time to go and I couldn't get her to leave! But remember, I was still with her. On the way home she complained that her stomach hurt. Shortly after we arrived home, the poor girl proceeded to have diarrhea.

Her nerves did a number on her. I felt awful!

I am so afraid of what tomorrow will be like. Because tomorrow.....She flies solo.

Second Round

Well, my middle guy, T., was dropped off after lunch, for his first day of Kindergarten. He is in the afternoon class, as we only have half day Kindergarten here.

He is the most bashful boy. All blushing and burying his head in my stomach. He may be my shyest child, but he is so great at "sucking it up". He is such a brave little soul. Hanging tough and confident that HE.CAN.DO.THIS!

All of his class was lined up waiting for the bus kids to arrive. The moms all stood close by, gushing. When he didn't think I was looking at him, T. would just glance around at the other children. He was as white as a ghost. Well, except for the small rash that broke out on the back of his neck. Nerves will do that to him.

Suddenly, we would make eye contact, and he would beam. He has the most radiant smile in the world.

I asked him if he was okay. He nodded and then admitted that he felt like crying. My heart just fell to pieces.

And then he smiled at me again, fully determined to be a big kid.

Big, Bad, Middle School

I just watched my oldest baby get on the bus heading off to his first day of middle school.

[wiping away tears] [quivering in fear]

The bus scares the daylights out of me. Hell, the whole idea of middle school does. It would scare you too if you had to deal with rumors like this.

W. was extremely excited about embarking on this new journey. He couldn't fall asleep last night and ended up in my bed. I rubbed his back and sang him lullabies, per his request.

He woke up all through the night checking the time on the alarm clock. Of course he couldn't just LOOK and go back to sleep, he had to ASK what time it was. Needless to say, I'm a tad exhausted this morning.

I think my boy is turning a corner. He's always been somewhat immature, however, Mr. Schmitty and I have noticed the last few weeks that this is changing. He's been less combative and more cooperative. Instead of being dramatic when something doesn't quite go his way, he's shaking it off and moving on. He's even being HELPFUL and doing things the.first.time.he.is.asked!

Thank You LORD!

Last night we joked and laughed as I asked him, "Who are you and what have you done with my kid?"

My son is growing up. Such a bittersweet statement.