Monday, May 31, 2010

Because You Apparently Need A Diagram, Here It Is

Dear Parents of students in my children's school,

You are probably wondering what this diagram represents. If you scroll down, you will see that I have labeled certain areas within the diagram.

This is a diagram of the front of our school. Granted, it is a somewhat bland drawing, however, artistic ability does not matter in this instance.

I have labeled the school, itself, the walkway that leads to the front door, the sidewalk, the crosswalk, and the street.

Basic and to the point, no?

You might now be wondering what those colorful rectangles are at the bottom right of the diagram.

No, they are not pieces of confetti from a ticker tape parade we had in your honor.

Let me elaborate:

1 - 4: These images represent random cars on **** Ave. between 8:30 and 8:45 in the morning.

1-3 have let their children out across the street from the school, some on the wrong side of the car, right into the middle of the street. Said cars have then moved on without a second glance back and tried not to drive directly into the car coming at them from the opposite direction; all while drinking their coffee and texting on their cell phone.

4 is some dumb schmuck who either just moved to town and didn't know of the chaos that is morning drop off or...well, some dumb schmuck who enjoys getting stuck in the middle of a clusterfuck.

5: The mother in this car has stopped, put the car into park, gotten out of the car, helped little Johnny get his backpack on, stepped back and smiled at him, licked her hand and plastered down his cowlick, hugged him, and then waved goodbye with a tear in her eye. She stands proudly on the sidewalk until he has meandered his way through the front doors. Only then does she break from her dream and return to her car. Not once does she realize that she has held up a line of a dozen cars, all of which have children waiting to be educated, just like little Johnny.

9: I will skip to number 9 as an option for number 5. If you must cherish every waking moment, please, pull up to one of the ten open spots on the other side of the crosswalk. This will allow for a very productive flow of traffic. It will also help with my urge to fling my flip flop at your head.

6 & 7: These two go hand in hand. 6, like 5, gets out of their car but not to see their offspring off to the wonderful world of learning. No, 6 saw 7 behind her and, "HiiiiiiEEEEE!! Wait until I tell you what happened to Gertrude and did you see what Sally was wearing to the party on Saturday annnnnnddddd....."7 was so excited to hear the latest gossip she didn't even pull the car up to the curb. She just stopped right where she was and ushered her kids out of the door. Neither 6 nor 7 even knows if their kids went into the school or hightailed it to the swings to play instead.

8: Do you see that big orange-yellow bus behind you? Yea, that one. Did you feel the slight bump when you ran over the orange-yellow traffic cone? Yea, that one. That cone designates the area for the Special Needs bus. Douchebag.

10: This is me. You can't see it, but there is smoke pouring from the window. That? That would be the smoke pouring from my ears.

Please take a moment to study this diagram.

This may not pertain to all of the parents in our school. But, if the shoe fits? Please kick yourself in the arse with it and get a grip!

That is all.

Sincerely,

A fed up mommy

10 comments:

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

LOL....this has always annoyed me too. It is an easy concept..and people who don't get it...need their drivers licenses revoked. I mean come on...it is not rocket science.

Megryansmom said...

hahahaha this is not a problem exclusive to your school. I saw it everyday for many years. I finally breathed a sigh of relief when my kids went to HS, but then another heartache begins. School's almost out for summer and you won't have to see those dumb schmucks til Aug.

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

Yeah, I coulda drawn this (figuratively speaking, of course!)

Jen said...

There is nothing, NOTHING, that enrages me like people being inconsiderate in the school pick up/drop off line. If I ever get thrown into jail it will be for dragging someone from their car and slapping them silly for their rudeness and/or stupidity in front of the school.

Patois said...

I had to quit doing traffic after two weeks of volunteering. Got in a fight with a woman about her lack of courtesy or concern or intelligence. I so wanted to punch her. Now I park far away and we walk in and out each day, and we laugh at the morons.

Baloney said...

HAHAHAHAHA! Some things are universal.
I'm not a morning person, but I try to get my kids to school early to be there before those moms. Around here the dawdlers and morons tend to drop off closer to bell time.
I hope someone reads your diagram and gets a clue.

Sabrae Carter said...

lol so glad I don't have to fight my way thru the drop off routine! no kids here!

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG! Why do people have so many problems figuring out THE RIGHT way to pick up and drop off their kids!!

Magpie said...

I am so glad that my town has buses so that I never ever have to do this.

Christy/Tiddly Inks Digitals said...

LOL

Maybe you can post a picture of this in your back window, along with a big picture of the BIRD....:)