Resolutions, Smezolutions

So, how many of you have given in and made a New Year's Resolution? Or better yet, we are 7 days into 2011, how many of you have KEPT those resolutions so far?

How many have not?

See, I decided this year there will be no positive resolutions; no commitment to a Mrs. Schmitty overhaul. I'm simply not going to make any promises that I can't keep.

In other words, there will be no writing checks my ass can't cash.

Year after year I gear up for the new me to emerge. I will lose weight, I will get in shape, I will be more healthy, I will save more money, I will pay down more debt, I will organize this house, I will spend more time with family and friends, I will take more time for myself, I will, I will, I will.

"HA!" I say.

Each and every one of those resolutions? EPIC FAIL.

Why kid myself when usually the opposite of what I say I will do actually happens? Why set myself up for a fall that is clearly inevitable?

That's too depressing, right?

Instead, I believe a little reverse psychology is in order. I have officially resolved myself as being a giant flop. I'm gonna be a lazy, unhealthy, broke-ass, disheveled, antisocial, fatigued and overburdened slob.

Mark my words, if I put that to the test, I will be sitting quite pretty by December. Just you wait, I'm going to be King of the World!

Either that, or homeless and living in a cardboard box by myself. At least, I'll get some me time.

What Happens To An Unemployed Elf?

On Facebook, everyone was talking about the Elf on the Shelf. This little Elf would bring happiness to the lives of all parents across the globe, simply by sitting on a shelf in your home.

The Elf comes with a storybook which explains that he is sent from the North Pole to watch and make sure that all the children are being nice instead of naughty. At night, when all are asleep, he reports back to the boss man, aka Santa, and gives him the scoop. In the morning, the Elf returns to the home and hides, only to be found by the joyful children who live there; so excited are they to know of his return.

"Oh, how could I get this wonderful Elf to come to stay at the Schmitty house?" I wondered, thinking I too could experience a holiday full of rainbows and unicorns.

I searched and searched and finally, I found him. Our Elf we would name Spencer.

He took his spot on a shelf in our dining room where he was discovered by my children. We read the story and I waited to see the world around me brighten and to hear the singing of the angels.

Instead I heard crickets chirping.

"BWWAHHHAAHA!" Escaped from the mouth of my oldest who immediately picked Spencer up and shook him.

"He's creepy looking!" Exclaimed my middle child.

And R., my baby, she just stared at him with a look of fear.

I replaced Spencer on the shelf and told them that he was cute and not creepy at all; that he was Santa's helper and not an evil little troll.

Okay, so I might have also whispered to W. that I would break his fingers if he touched it again. But then again, I might not have.

They shrugged, lost interest, and went to play.

The next day, upon waking, they searched for the Elf. He had indeed returned from Santa's Workshop and was now perched on the coffee table.

"Wow, that's it?" Asked T., "He only moved to the table? He's not very good at hiding."

He approached the couch to sit and in doing so he bumped the table. Spencer fell over.

"Don't touch him," I said. "He will lose his magic if you do!" I shot W. a look and cracked all of the knuckles in my hands.

I left the Elf on his side, not wanting to sit him up until there were no children around. My husband did not follow my lead. Apparently, he decided this was a great time to mess with them. Every time they were distracted, he would move the Elf into a new position.

He found it hilarious. They? Well, they did not.

"Oh My God!!" Shouted T. "It moved!!! Mom, that thing is freaking me out!!"

Mr. Schmitty, hiding like a coward in the kitchen, was hysterical.

I glared at him, "You, my friend, YOU will be getting up with them in the middle of the night!"

When bedtime approached, I noticed that R. kept looking sideways at the Elf. She was eyeing him up and I knew it was coming.

"Daddy, he's scaring me. HIS EYES ARE FOLLOWING ME! Get rid of him!!"

So, alas, Spencer was given his walking papers and was sent packing back to the North Pole.

Now, gone are my dreams of a stress free holiday season. Gone are the visions of gathering around the tree, singing Christmas carols, and stringing popcorn garland. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Damn Elf.

The Holiday Card

Every year, usually around August, I begin to plan how my Holiday card will look.

Yes, August.

You see, I have a reputation to uphold. It seems that some of my husband's relatives can't wait to see what I will come up with. He has one aunt who, after receiving it in the mail, displays it promptly on her refrigerator. It is the only card, she says, that she will place there.

I feel so flattered and quite honored.

Yet, with this honor, there is a feeling of pressure. Can I think of something cool? Can I top last year's card?

Here are some of my favorites from past years:

2001: This one pulls at my heartstrings. Our card that year was a tribute to those lost on 9/11.

2002: This card was created by my oldest, W. He drew a picture of our family. Notice the baby in my belly, which, of course, was T.

2006: I think this is my absolute favorite. I got creative with Photoshop. The quote inside the card read, "The children were nestled all snug in their beds".

2008: This card took us FOREVER to get right. I knew what I wanted and I think I drove those kids crazy trying to perfect it! Hey, at least they got candy out of the deal.

2009: Last year's card was fun, though our photo session did not start out that way. I wanted a nice picture of my children. They were less than cooperative. So, when all else fails, why not join them?

With this last card, I would like to ask for your help. I have taken the photo that was used to create last year's card and entered into Disney's A Very Merry Christmas Contest.

I need votes.

If you like our photo, won't you please click on it and vote for us?

Please?!! I will love you forever and ever!!

I'm A Lucky Lady, In More Ways Than One

Our elementary school's PTA Installation Dinner and Chance Auction was held on April 30th. Again, I was on the committee and after working my fingers to the bone, I attended my big night out on the town.

I look forward to it, it's a yearly thing for me. Yeah, I know, I need a life.

It's a fun night of friends, food, and drink. And of prizes; well, for some of us.

I won five baskets!!!

But with winning, there comes a price and needless to say, I felt the dagger eyes being thrown my way. This year there were even a few snarls coming from my own table! Some get so mad when they don't win. And if someone around them wins more than once? WOW!

I once got pelted with a piece of salt water taffy! Those PTA moms can be brutal.

What a few don't understand is this; in order to win, you've got to spend a decent amount of money. You know, increase your odds. I always drop some bucks. Like I said, this is my big night out for the year. Again, I know, I'm lame.

But it's all good. They let me live.

So, more about my winnings.

I won a doggie basket for my pup. There were all kinds of goodies and a $30 gift card to PetSmart. Ruby was thrilled and smelled the treats the second I got home. She was all over me as I walked in the door.

I actually won the same prize, twice. It was two separate baskets for admittance of 10 people to a local comedy club. I guess I put my entries in both baskets to up my chances. So, now I can have a big party with 20 or two nights with 10 friends.

For the kids, I received two books loaded with ride tickets to Jenkinson's Boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. Also included were four passes to their aquarium. Sweet prize that will make for a fun family day.

Lastly, I scored a Mother's Day Brunch for 4 at Branches, which is a fancy local banquet hall. In the basket was also a $50 gift certificate to a florist.

Yay me!

On Mother's Day, we dressed up and The Schmitty clan arrived at our 10:30 reservations at Branches.

The place is gorgeous.

The kids were looking a bit nervous as we usually dine at family style restaurants. I think they felt like the Clampetts dining at Tavern on the Green.

We ventured toward the doors which lead to the buffet. The spread of food took up two rooms! There was everything from an omelet station, to a carving table with a huge turkey, to seafood, to fresh fruit, to bagels and muffins, to desserts.

We chowed down!!

The kids never ate so well. They not only loved all of the options, they knew if they ate everything on their plates the could head to the chocolate fountain and candy table.

Yes, there was a candy table!

I thought the kid's eyes were going to bug out of their heads. There were bags for them to fill up with all kinds of goodies; rock candy lollipops, Twizzlers, chocolates, gummy worms, you name it.

The chocolate fountain was a huge hit too. We dipped strawberries, pretzels, and rice krispie treats.

Back at the table, amongst smiling faces, the Schmitty kids gorged on their sweets. R. turned to me and said, "This is the BEST day EVER!"

Yes baby, yes it is!

Belated Merry Christmas!

This is our annual family Christmas card. It portrays the Schmitty Kids as they should be...in all of their goofy glory!

Hope you all had a very Merry, Merry!!!

(I had full intentions of posting this on Christmas Eve and actually thought I had...but I guess that bottle of wine or so killed off those memory brain cells.)

Taking an Artistic Risk

"Mommy! We made Dreidels today at school!" R. exclaimed.

"You did? Can I see it?" I asked.

She skipped over to the couch where she had thrown her backpack upon arriving home from school.

Smiling, obviously proud of her work, she skipped back to me. She was holding a card stock cutout in the shape of a Dreidel.

She turned her art toward me and said, "And Mommy, I even colored it red and green for Christmas!!"


Me thinks something was lost in translation.

Have Yourself a Merry Little White Lie

Earlier this week, while the kids were in school, I began the task of Christmas gift wrapping. I stood at my kitchen island and got a jump on one of my least favorite jobs of the season.

Though a perfectionist, in most aspects of my life, I prefer to just get it done, as opposed to a perfectly adorned package. Well, at least where presents are concerned.

Heh.

As I cut, folded, and taped, I got lost in my own thoughts. I recalled the time when W. recognized that his gifts from Santa were wrapped in the paper that I had purchased from Target a few days earlier.

"Mommy, you must be Santa because you wrapped these!" He accused.

I, a true Believer who will NEVER, willingly, admit to any child that Santa is a fake, quickly concocted a story to ease his mind.

"I buy the wrapping paper for Santa," I explained. "If he put wrapped gifts on a sleigh and then flew them all around the world they'd be torn to shreds!"

He looked at me suspiciously, "He can't have enough time to wrap them at our house!"

"He doesn't do it silly! While he is eating the milk and cookies you left for him, his elves wrap the gifts!"

He smiled and the day was saved.

W. was also the one to ask me how Santa was able to get into our house because we didn't have a fireplace with a chimney.

Damn kid can't ever make it easy on me. Ahem.

Thus, the tradition of crafting a magic key began. I would cut the shape of a key from card stock and he would decorate it. He would then hang it on the mailbox on Christmas Eve. Only Santa was able to make the key work our lock. And then, in a puff of smoke, the key disappeared.

As we added children to our brood, we'd have three keys for Santa. The lie explanation was that Santa needed one from each child who lived in the house for the magic to work. The reality was that my kids couldn't work together on one key. A few years ago my Aunt gave the kids an actual "Santa Key" to hang outside before they go to bed.

And so, again, the spirit of St. Nick was preserved.

Now tell me, what's your holiday white lie?

Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet!

Happy Halloween Everyone!!

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Lady Liberty Rocks!

Today we celebrate our freedom. Our Independence Day. Our Liberty and Justice.

We have many symbols of our patriotism; the flag, the colors of red, white, and blue, the American Eagle, and the Statue of Liberty.

I have only visited the Statue once. Pretty pathetic, as I live in New Jersey. Mr. Schmitty and I, back when we were dating, took a day to explore Ellis Island and the Statue.

I couldn't wait to climb up to the top of her crown. I wanted to proudly march up those 354 steps. I wanted to peer out from almost 300 feet in the air. And I wanted to look down and exclaim how the other tourists looked like ants.

My future husband? Not so much.

I knew he was afraid of heights. I just didn't realize the depth of his phobia. That is until we began our assent up the spiral stairs.

I, being the special girlfriend I was, took every opportunity to bust his balls. I laughed and joked, at his expense, as I continued on my upward journey.

After climbing approximately 50 steps, I turned to look at my boyfriend's face. I was about to offer up another wisecrack when I noticed the color of his skin. He was as white as a ghost. He looked like he was about to throw up or pass out. He knuckles were gripping the handrail so tightly that I thought he may snap it in two.

I felt like a complete jackass.

The Statue is engineered to withstand heavy winds, however, now that I know the extent of his fear, I can only surmise that this is how the whole ordeal felt to him:



I hope one day to make it into the crown. I hope my children will accompany me.

As for their father? We'll leave him home on solid ground.

What It Is All About

Justin Timberlake & Andy Samberg Do It Again!

I saw this last night and died laughing.
Happy Mother's Day!!

This is just SO wrong in so many ways....but absolutely hilarious!!

Just In Time For Mother's Day!

A new season of Survivor is taking applications.

Survivor: Father Island

• Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
• Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
• There is NO fast food.
• Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
• Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
• Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.
• He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
• Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
• The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
• The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.
• During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but NEVER once complain or slow down from other duties.
• They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. They will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.
• A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
• The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
• The last man wins ONLY if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
• If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL MOMMAS!!! MUAH!

Happy April Fool's Day!

I usually set up a whole slew of things for my kids on April 1st. I love me some tomfoolery, but most of all I love their reactions to my gags.

But due to T.'s stomach bug, I have been a tad preoccupied. I've been running between him and the toilet with buckets. I've been disinfecting the bathroom and any surface he may have touched. I've got Clorox wipes in one hand and Lysol in the other. I've opened windows and doors.

I am NOT going to be going through this again, come hell or high water.

We have a fun, busy weekend coming up. I am determined to keep the rest of the household healthy. R. has a birthday tea party on Friday night. We have an Easter Egg Hunt, that we go to every year, on Saturday. The kids would be devastated if we missed that. And Mr. Schmitty and I are going to a local theater to see the Broadway Tour of "Movin' Out" on Sunday.

So beware Mr. Stomach Bug, I've got chemicals and I'm not afraid to use them!

And as far as April Fool's goes...well, it's not all a loss, I've gotten my joke for the day. Poor T. keeps pooping his drawers....I guess washing shit filled underpants is my prank for this year.

Yea Me.

Phew....It's Over

Hope you had a Super Sweet Holiday!

My Secret Santa Rocks!

So the other day I received a package in the mail. I had been anxiously waiting for it. And now it was here!!

My gift from my Secret Santa.

Georgie from Decisionally Challenged hosted a Secret Santa Soiree. Isn't she creative, clever, and awesome?! It was so much fun.

My SS was Lynn (The Piggy Bank Painter - check out her adorable work at Korff Ceramic Originals) from After The Dust Settles.

Days ago, Georgie revealed the list of Secret Santas, so I really have no way of proving this, but along with my little sleuths (W., T., and R.) I had already cracked the case and figured out who done it.

As always, my nosy curious kiddos were on me like flies to poop, when they saw the package come in the mail. You know, because they think EVERYTHING is for them. "What do you mean, it's for YOU, mom?"

I told them to chill back the hell up be patient, as they tried to rip claw help me open the box.

Sheesh!

Inside, we found this:


You could feel the excitement in the air! I began smacking hands away as they all wanted a piece of the action.

I pulled the tissue paper out of the gift bag first.


There were many gifts, individually wrapped in tissue paper. First, my absolute FAV-OR-ITE candy in the whole, wide world - Ferrero Rocher!!! Yum-OOOOOOO! Next, an Apple Pie scented candle. LOVE IT! Next this cool little Reading Ring Bookmark. And then a cozy pair of gloves, which I SO needed. Around the pair of gloves was a beautiful, I am assuming handmade (because that Lynn is just so crafty), Christmas beaded bracelet.

But wait....that's not all. There was also another package, wrapped in, of course, Santa paper.


How sweet of my Secret Santa to include The Schmitty Kids! They went nuts when they saw this:


Isn't that just the cutest? Lynn, you are so talented! The kids immediately placed the plate on the coffee table in anticipation of a visit from 'ole Mr. Claus. (If only I could get those cookies baked!)

"Who sent this wonderful gift?" we all thought aloud.

A clue; the gift tags had a picture of a pig. Hmmm. Sounds familiar to me. Then, because he's smarter than me, W. turned over the Cookie Plate.

"Mom, this is from Lynn!" he exclaimed.

That's my boy, a regular Sherlock Holmes.

Thank you so much Lynn. I love my gifts. Oh, and my children wanted me to give you this message:

Getting Into The Spirit

I think I might finally be getting into the holiday season. Up until now, I have felt...well, I haven't felt much of anything, really. It's been a hectic few weeks and with the kids getting sick last week and me desperately trying to fight off the germs that I KNOW they have passed on to me, I just haven't been in a festive mood.

And for me, that's bad. I'm usually so excited for Christmas. It's a busy, BUSY time for me. I get stressed, but if you know me, then you know stress motivates me. I work best under pressure.

But this year I don't feel that stressed...because I really haven't seemed to care if I'm behind on my long list of to-dos. So.Not.Me!

But tonight, the Schmitty household seems to be turning a corner. I seem to be winning the battle of the sickness, one child is well enough to go back to school tomorrow, one is still hacking his poor little brains out, but the coughing IS coming less frequently than this morning, and one little girl is still completely snotting all over the place, but her cough has stopped.

There just might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

That, motivated me to get busy. I just jarred up nine quarts of homemade Manhattan Clam Chowder that I simmered all day. Tomorrow I will make my tomato sauce, meatballs, and sausage. I will also try to make my homemade Manicotti. I am getting this ready for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners. I want to freeze it all ahead of time to make next week a little easier on me.

Yes, I host both nights. Approximately 15 people on each. All because I'm....well, an idiot.

I still have to bake cookies too. I have to try to squeeze a day in somewhere. My shopping was completed online this morning but I still need to wrap EVERYTHING. I have to get out my good dishes and clean them up. I have to finalize my menus and order the fish for Christmas Eve. Oh, and I have to make some stationery for my kid's teachers.....all five of them.

Yea....I'm feeling the holidays now, baby!

A Turkey, A Monkey, And A Jackass

Thanksgiving was very nice. A mostly quiet, peaceful day with Mr. Schmitty, the kids, my mom, sister, brother-in-law, brother, my brother's girlfriend, her two daughters, and their new baby boy.

Everything was perfect; the company, the football game (The Dallas Cowboys won much to Mr. Schmitty's delight), my glass of wine, and the food. The turkey was YUMMMMM-ie!

One of the highlights of the day was getting my baby fix. My old biological clock is winding down so when I get near a baby or a pregnant woman, I get a little mushy. My new nephew, baby J., is beautiful. He is just over a month old and was born on R.'s birthday. She is thrilled that she can share her day with him.

I love having a new baby in the family. While I was cooking dinner, I saw W. sitting on the couch, with the baby in his arms. Tears welled up in my eyes; it was such a precious sight.

And then my brother had to ruin the moment.

He reached into a plastic shopping bag and produced a wrapped gift. It was R.'s birthday gift. She unwrapped it and began to play.

I glared at my brother. He, of course, laughed. You know, the evil type of laugh that only a sibling can produce.

THIS is what I have been listening to since Thursday.


WTF?!

All I have to say little brother is, "Paybacks are a bitch!"

Coloring Inside The Lines

Yesterday R. came home from Pre-K with stories of Thanksgiving. She was being read books, daily, on the upcoming holiday. She informed me that the children were each painting a cornucopia, which she pronounced quite well, much to my amazement. They, of course, were also drawing hand turkeys and constructing pilgrim hats and Indian headbands.

After she placed her backpack on the living room sofa, she unzipped it and pulled out a green folder. From this, she found a piece of paper; it had a drawing of a Thanksgiving Turkey printed on it.

Instead of running for the snack cabinet, as she does every day after school, she grabbed a container of markers and sat down to work. She had a look of complete concentration on her face. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, at least three or four times, and when I didn't receive a response, I left her to her coloring.

I watched her from across the room. She was totally engrossed in her task, as though nothing in the world was as important as finishing that picture. I smiled.

A little while later she came running into my office, waving her paper above her head.

"I'm done mommy!!" She yelled, "Look at my turkey!!"

"Wow, honey! It's beautiful. Look at all of the colors you used!" I replied.

"Do you like it?" She asked.

"Like it? I LOVE it!!!" I responded. "You did so well coloring in the lines!"

Indeed, she did pretty well for a Preschooler. I did notice, however, that she had gotten a little crazy with the brown marker in one area.

"Were you being silly over here? Did you hiccup when you were using the brown marker?" I teased.

"No mommy!! That's the turkey's poop!!"

"Ahhhhh.....silly me, I should have known!"

Secret Santa Soiree

My friend Georgie has come up with a fantastic idea. If you love Christmas as much as I do, you will be thrilled to jump on board. It is going to be so much fun!

She is hosting the Secret Santa Soiree. What is this, you ask? Well, I'm going to tell you.

Simply put, it is a holiday gift exchange. You buy for someone and someone else buys for you. But shhhhhhh....it's a secret. No telling who you have because you want to keep them guessing!

What a fabulous way to celebrate with our bloggy friends. I am SO loving this!

So, what are you waiting for? Click on the button below to get the 411.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Happy Mommy's Day!

I received this poem in an email and thought I would share it with all of my mommy friends. Have a wonderful day!

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness..just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,

And I'll bounce on the furniture..wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

(When I'm and old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry..I'll run..if I'm able!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"