Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Proof That I Am A Reincarnated Adolescent Boy

Two nights ago, W. asked what SEX was. Flat.out.asked. *cringe*

Last year when I had this close call, and then when my niece almost started the ball rolling, and then when I really thought the "talk" was inevitable, I swore Mr. Schmitty was going to have to have a sit down and soon.

Nothing ever transpired. It was swept under the rug because W. dropped the subject. But really, we chickened out.

He's starting middle school in three weeks. I don't think we can ignore a point blank question. I quickly sent a text to Mr. Schmitty, "The time has come."

He told me he would talk to W. in the morning. Good idea. Yea, YOU talk to him. In the morning.

I slept in the next morning, or at least I pretended to, and when I got up Mr. Schmitty pulled me aside. He informed me that he had talked to W.

"How did it go? Did he have any questions?" I was very curious to know how my baby had reacted.

"It went fine. He didn't have any questions, but I told him that if he should think of some, I was here to answer them. Mr. Schmitty seemed quite proud of his parenting.

I raised an eyebrow. "So, exactly what did you say?"

I'm not going to type verbatim the conversation, however, I will tell you this; My son will NEVER EVER HAVE SEX. Not when he is a hormonal teen. Not even if his guys turn blue. Not even when he gets married. He won't touch his wife, except maybe for a handshake. Even then he may need antibacterial lotion.

I know we have to warn our children about disease. I know unprotected sex can kill. However, when that's the only part of sex you relay to your son, well, let's just say he might as well join a Monastery today. Oh wait, that won't work.

My bad.

I asked Mr. Schmitty if he explained that sex is something grown-ups, who LOVE.EACH.OTHER, do. Did he explain that sex can make a baby? Or did he just make sure that our son would go screaming from the first girl who wants to hold his hand?


"I am going to the book store. YOU need a book."

Last night my best friend and I went to Barnes and Noble. We began seeking out sex education books. She looked in the Child Care section, while I searched the Children's section.

Eureka! I hit the mother lode. I grabbed more than a half dozen or so books and went to find my friend.


"Wow, let's check them out and see what will work best."

We started flipping through the pages. No, too scientific. Next. No, this one is more about girls. Next.

"Hee Hee. Look this cartoon has a boner."

"Snort. This one is masturbating."

"I AM NOT showing that one to W. He'll go blind when he discovers that."


"Or get hairy palms."

I looked up at the camera in the ceiling.

"You do know that security is thinking we are complete juveniles. What are we twelve? OH MY GOD THIS SAYS SCROTUM!!"

"I think I just peed myself!"


The Fritz Facts said...

Now I am even more glad that Hubby had to deal with Hunter. I am dreading Boo, but the time will come...maybe never though...I couldn't be that lucky.

Bonnie the Boss said...

My husband doesn't do sex talks I have to.
The funniest book I ever saw had cut-outs that were layered to make a picture. It was called "How Babies are Made. I would have hated to admit That for a job I was the boobie or penis cutter-outer. I laughed my butt off.
Great post I hope you girls had a great laugh.

Anonymous said...

Hello.This is first time for me to visit your site.
I have three children (6year-old boy,4year-old boy,2year-old girl)
They are angel, sometimes devil, though...
I'm happy if you link to my site.It is written in Japanese(some of the words are English) but show pictures.
baratch family

Unknown said...

Hahahaha! Put W. and poor Mr. Schmitty! Hope you found a good book. Our science program last year (SECOND GRADE!) did a thing on babies and how they were made and how they grew and GAH! KILL ME! I could have skipped it...but I didn't. So, Eeyore was thoroughly grossed out to discover that he began his life by exiting my hoo-ha.

Angel said...

With two boys I am thinking I can pass the sex talk to hubs... and I dread what he will say. Knowing my husband he will probably encourage them to "bag anything that moves." OY!

Anonymous said...

Good grief! Men, huh?

Still, with you being a reincarnated adolescent boy and all, you should be able to relate to W really well and give him the talk he needs. Lucky you! LOL!

Zephra said...

I got a book and started reading it with Kamran a few years back. I had to stop at the chapter about ejaculation. I just could not say that word to my son. I still can't.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Kellyn: It's so scary, isn't it?

Bonnie: ROFLMAO! Who the heck applies for THAT job?! One sick person, that's who!

Baratch Family: I'll stop by. I love family pictures...though don't know a single word of Japanese. I do love the symbols of your language, as I am an artsy girl and think they are beautiful.

Karly: Secretly, I really can't wait to see W.'s facial expression to that. It's will kind of be like the time T. sucked on a lemon!

Drama: LOL! I hear you. I love when Mr. Schmitty gets that "Atta Boy!" grin on his face when a girl flirts with W. Wait until his Princess gets a little older, he'll be sitting on the front stoop with a shotgun.

Jay: I can be an ass with my girlfriend, but talking to my 10 year old about sex? I get a bit flustered.

Zephra: AHHHHH! I don't blame you! P.S. You said EJACULATION!! giggle giggle

Momo Fali said...

Oh good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who peed myself!

Beth said...

OMG I dread the day!!! How funny... You know the camera operators were probably crackin up!

Jennifer S said...

"How Babies Are Made" is the book that was around our house! It is hilarious, but it's great for younger kids to learn from. I posted about it once, and you wouldn't believe the number of hits I still get from that post.

I have a feeling I'm going to be the one giving the talks in our family. It's probably better that way.

Mrs4444 said...

Well, my kids liked Where Did I Come From. I made sure to tell them that it is a parent's job to decide when their child gets the details (no sharing the book with friends). I have no idea if they've honored that, but I hope they have!! Mr.4444 and I alternate sex talks whenever it comes up; keeps it balanced, which is clearly what you need in this situation, haha!!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Momo fali: Sorry about that!

Beth: Probably laughing AT us for being idiots!

Jennifer H: I let him read the book that I bought this morning. I asked if he had any questions. "NOPE, can I go play Wii?" Sigh.

Mrs. 4444: I am definitely in charge of where the book is to be stored. Otherwise he and his friends will be...well, doing what my girlfriend and I were doing.

Maria said...

Liv was watching television the other day (Zach and Cody...ick) and she came into the kitchen and asked me what masturbation was. I felt myself blushing and gulped and then I thought, "WHAT the hell did she hear on Zach and Cody to take her there?" So, I asked her. She said, "Well, his mother said that she needed to talk to them about malnutrition and I wondered what that was all about. Some kid in their class was refusing to eat."

How I ended up hearing the word "masturbation" instead of "malnutrition" is anyone's guess.

Tricia said...

I'm not sure which is funnier...the story Mr. Schmitty told or your escapades at the book store. I always thought I'd be completely open about sex with my kids, at least that's what I thought until I became a parent. Now I'm pretty much a chicken.

Amy @ Six Flower Mom said...

Funny! I have to say that I am very open with my children as painful as it is for me! As they were present for the birth of their younger siblings, they have no questions about "where babies come from", We also have several books that we have picked up over the years. I also have a college book from a Human Sexuality class ... a great resource, with lots of information!

Be brave ladies and gents ... we should be talking about these issues, keeps our children safe!

Unknown said...

This cracked me up!

Just this past week, Julia said, "Boys and girls are different because boys have a penis and girls have a vagina."

"Yep," I say.

"Well, what does a penis look like?"

I have NO CLUE what to say. "Well..um...it kind of looks like...kind of like a really big...finger."

Good Lord, I've probably scarred her for life.

Anonymous said...

Um. Yeah. That is like The Most Uncomfortable conversations we have to have with our children. I pawned that conversation with my son off on my father!

The Broken Man said...

He he! I want to read that book! :)

We are planning to just talk about this stuff as it comes up - but then, we are both youth workers, so we end up talking about sex a lot! The best way is just to brazen it out - any hint of embarressment and the kids pounce on it!

The Broken man