Every Mom Should Own One

I was watching some tv this afternoon. Sunday afternoon. Predictably, nothing was on the bazillion channels we now have with our cable company.

I looked down at the DVR Remote in my hand. So many buttons. Then I started thinking, if only I had a remote for my kids. If only ALL moms had them. Wouldn't life be so much more manageable? We should each receive one, along with our discharge papers, from the maternity ward.

I got to thinking how each button could help me, in the day to day chaos, at the Schmitty house.

I could press the VOLUME button down when R. is TALKING IN HER WHISPER VOICE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SO SHE DOESN'T WAKE UP "HER BOYS"! Or when she uses the same voice in church and the whole congregation is staring at us.

The VOLUME button pressed up would be great for when T. has to apologize to his sister for shoving her. Instead of making him say he was sorry twenty times, R. would hear him the first time. Because HE'S got the whispering thing down pat.

The MUTE button. R. Need I say more about my pint-sized chatterbox? OY! It would also come in handy for the summertime bickering that has been invading my ears.

The CHANNEL up and down button could help me locate a new attitude for W., when the one he is sporting, just isn't cutting it.

The FFWD button would help them step it up at bedtime. No more dragging their butts up to their rooms, they'd be sprinting up the stairs.

When no one is admitting to breaking one of my Willow Tree statues. Because, "What ball? I don't have a ball!" REWIND will give me an instant replay and help me find the culprit.

Have you ever heard an R. story? The SKIP button would help her to reach her destination point just a tad faster.

OH.GOD.THE.STOP.BUTTON! No more straining vocal chords. Just peace.

RECORD everything I tell them to do. I'll never hear them say, "You didn't tell me that!" again. The information will forever be etched into their brains.

The INFO button could help me understand, "What the hell were you thinking? We don't practice writing our letter i's on the freshly painted walls!"

When the Schmitty kids are being angels, I would definitely FAVORITE the moment for future reference.

My ON DEMAND button would be the most worn out button on my remote. I would get them to do my bidding when ever and where ever I wanted!

Lastly, the PAUSE button would allow me to keep my children little, just a few minutes longer.