So, let's see, where to start....hmmmm. Well, as some of you might have noticed, I haven't blogged in over a week. I missed my Take Us Back In Time Tuesday post yesterday. The one you see there? Last week's post.
I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me, as of late. I think I might be depressed. Again.
Yea, I've been through this before. I'm usually the anxiety type of girl. I tend to run with panic attacks more than the blues. But depression has visited me in the past, so, I am aware of my current state.
I haven't blogged much, because quite honestly, I just haven't felt like it. I haven't done much of anything in the past few weeks. I closed my business temporarily, in June. I can't come to a decision if I should reopen. I look at projects that I've wanted to do and then turn and walk away. I pick up books and magazines and then put them right back down again.
I pretty much meander around my house and then sit at the computer to stare blankly at Facebook. I don't go out much. The kids play with their friends and I hang around and watch them.
Even when I've ventured out, it's because I've MADE myself go. I plaster a smile on my face and just do it. But inside my thoughts, I want to go home, to be left alone.
I'm feeling weak. I can't stand feeling weak.
I have a great life. There are people I know going through so much worse than I right now. I should just shut the hell up and put on my big girl drawers.
But I can't seem to.
I think my sudden mood swing is a combination of burdens. The normal, day-to-day pressures that are weighing me down. The kids, money, the house, marriage, my business. You know, just LIFE.
I'm upset with myself. I so desperately want to lose weight. I saw photos of myself from this past weekend and was so utterly disgusted with what I saw.
But as it sometimes goes, momma is the last to get attention. By the time I take care of everyone and everything else, I'm spent. I don't have the time or energy to focus on ME.
Living with PCOS and PMDD is making the journey that much harder. PCOS causes excess weight gain that is more difficult to take off. I need to eat properly and exercise more. The insulin resistance issues of the PCOS means I should eat six small meals a day. I'm lucky if I get one and then I wind up eating junk late at night when the kids go to bed. Horrible for my type of metabolism. I also can't take the Metformin medication, which can help with the weight problem, because I experience negative side effects. When on the pills, I was a zombie for six weeks.
I don't sleep well, which is caused by my PMDD. I toss and turn all night long and usually wake exhausted. Throw in an average day as a mom with three kids, a dog, a cat, a husband, and a house to wrangle, and there is NO WAY I'm going to jump on a treadmill too.
I'm feeling like....WTF!
I don't seem to know how to get all of these things under control. Instead, I'm shutting down.