Wednesday, August 19, 2009

And I'll Cry If I Want To

Warning: If you didn't come here to partake in my party of pity, you may want to excuse yourself and leave. Please leave any alcohol you may have brought with you, I am going to need it and don't feel like leaving my cave home to get my own.

So, let's see, where to start....hmmmm. Well, as some of you might have noticed, I haven't blogged in over a week. I missed my Take Us Back In Time Tuesday post yesterday. The one you see there? Last week's post.

I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with me, as of late. I think I might be depressed. Again.

Yea, I've been through this before. I'm usually the anxiety type of girl. I tend to run with panic attacks more than the blues. But depression has visited me in the past, so, I am aware of my current state.

I haven't blogged much, because quite honestly, I just haven't felt like it. I haven't done much of anything in the past few weeks. I closed my business temporarily, in June. I can't come to a decision if I should reopen. I look at projects that I've wanted to do and then turn and walk away. I pick up books and magazines and then put them right back down again.

I pretty much meander around my house and then sit at the computer to stare blankly at Facebook. I don't go out much. The kids play with their friends and I hang around and watch them.

Even when I've ventured out, it's because I've MADE myself go. I plaster a smile on my face and just do it. But inside my thoughts, I want to go home, to be left alone.

I'm feeling weak. I can't stand feeling weak.

I have a great life. There are people I know going through so much worse than I right now. I should just shut the hell up and put on my big girl drawers.

But I can't seem to.

I think my sudden mood swing is a combination of burdens. The normal, day-to-day pressures that are weighing me down. The kids, money, the house, marriage, my business. You know, just LIFE.

I'm upset with myself. I so desperately want to lose weight. I saw photos of myself from this past weekend and was so utterly disgusted with what I saw.

I cried.

But as it sometimes goes, momma is the last to get attention. By the time I take care of everyone and everything else, I'm spent. I don't have the time or energy to focus on ME.

Living with PCOS and PMDD is making the journey that much harder. PCOS causes excess weight gain that is more difficult to take off. I need to eat properly and exercise more. The insulin resistance issues of the PCOS means I should eat six small meals a day. I'm lucky if I get one and then I wind up eating junk late at night when the kids go to bed. Horrible for my type of metabolism. I also can't take the Metformin medication, which can help with the weight problem, because I experience negative side effects. When on the pills, I was a zombie for six weeks.

I don't sleep well, which is caused by my PMDD. I toss and turn all night long and usually wake exhausted. Throw in an average day as a mom with three kids, a dog, a cat, a husband, and a house to wrangle, and there is NO WAY I'm going to jump on a treadmill too.

I'm feeling like....WTF!

I don't seem to know how to get all of these things under control. Instead, I'm shutting down.


Krystal said...

I brought some vodka for you, here it is =))))))))) don't drink it all in one night, I've done that and woke up 13 hours later still drunk, not buzzed, but phucking drunk...

I know how you feel. I've been the same way with blogging the past 8 weeks. And it sucks hairy, saggy balls.

Just know you are not alone, and but blogging you are reaching out...

Smile and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Hope better times come for you!

Hugs and smiles,

Elise said...

So sorry to hear about your misery! It's no consolation, but I know how you feel. Don't have any answers though....

Lisa in NJ said...

I'm right there with you. I've been to the gym on a regular basis, I've had my thyroid meds up'ed and I still have GAINED weight. I look at my house and have no energy to clean. Just know that you are NOT alone and there are people here for you.

Patois said...

I'm really sorry for you. You're in my thoughts. I hope this shakes out for you soon.

Jill said...

Big hugs, honey! I know what you're talking about. You have every right to feel the way you feel, no matter if someone has it "worse off" than you. Everything is relative and sometimes things just become too much! I hope you find your way out of this soon and get back to feeling like yourself. I've been there, believe me! You'll get there!

♥georgie♥ said...

you are not alone....some days I feel like i am existing instead of living...

hugs to you

Anonymous said...

I totally hear you. I don't have the PCOS or PMDD, but I looked in the mirror a few months ago and wanted to die. I hated myself for letting myself go. So, I did start watching what I was eating, and I did start using my stair stepper, and I did start losing weight. And I feel so much better about myself. It took alot to get me to where I wanted to take care of myself, but I'm glad I did.

YOU are important. And YOU need to be well and take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to be happy.....

Anonymous said...

mrs. schmitty, you don't know me but i've been reading your blog since november, and i feel like i know you. i have been worried about you since you haven't blogged in a while! i'm glad you're back (even if only temporarily, and you're not feeling like yourself). sounds like life to me. i've been through similar what you're going through. i was on the depo shot which caused me to become very depressed and gain over 60 lbs. luckily, i have lost 45 of those 60 and i'm on prozac so i can function like a (semi)normal person. anyway, i think i may have a website that can help you with the weightloss thing. it's called and it has been a lifesaver for me. it's an online community (much like facebook) and you can blog (much like here!) and make friends (which you are good at!) so i wanted to tell you about that.

and i know i don't know you BUT if you ever need to talk or want to talk about sparkepeople or want anything, really (besides money, i have none) find me on facebook and we can chat! my name is hannah hamer and i'm in raleigh, north carolina :)

Jen said...

The real kick in the pants about depression is that you don't just get it if things are really terrible for you. You can have the best life in the world and still have real and serious depression. I have dealt with it in the past (although, like you, I am more prone to anxiety) and there is no easy way out of it.

I hope that if you feel like you need it you're able to ask for help.

Big hugs sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.

Chestna said...

Okay you have no idea who I am but out of the blue here I come talkin' 'bout "I think you're stinkin' awesome!" after having read some of your previous funny posts.
If I had a bunch of yummy alcohol and a way to get it to ya, I'd get it to ya.
Um, I guess I'll also try to find someone who you know to send you a virtual hug, 'cause if I do it'll be weird...

The Fritz Facts said...

First, major hugs. I am keeping you in my thoughts now, hope things get better, and soon.

I know it doesn't help, but I am feeling you right now. I can't seem to get out of this funk I am in. Hubby and I actually duked it out last night so that helped a bit, but still.


Stef said...

I feel your pain, I have PMDD plus 4 kiddos and a hubby and am also too exhausted by the end for any time for myself.
Hang in there, that down time, drag yourself to the store, slap a smile on your face and fake it sucks big time. With PMDD you have to do half your life and it becomes quite tiring.

You are in my thoughts and though I don't know you, I do know PMDD.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for quite a while. I can relate to what you are going through. SOmetimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack...for no reason The next day I'm dragging butt seriously at work and just pray that I won't have an attack the next night so I can get some sleep.

I'm on some medication for the attacks. They also just put me on medicine for hypothyrodism, which they said is one reason I've gained weight and can't seem to get it off.

Anyhow, try to take it one day at a time and if you can't do that then take it one moment at a time. Sometimes that is all I can manage myself!

jenny said...

I know exactly how you feel, I used to think it was weird how many mommy bloggers suffered from depression until I realised I was looking at it wrong, it was the moms who had depression using blogging as a form of therapy. I've told people things on my blog that I'd never tell my partner, kids, family, best friend or doctor!

But as cliched as it sounds you do need to take time for yourself, I know its hard to do and we feel guilty as mothers but start with 20 minutes day, do something only for you, I paint my toe nails or give my hair a conditioning treatment and my head a massage. and exercise can make you feel so much better even when its the last thing in the world you want to do, 10 minutes a day, you'll do more when the adrenaline kicks in! Use all the time you do feeling bad and thinking about it, if I spent as much time thinking about what I dont do actually doing it...!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you. I go through those kinds of waves too - letting life happen instead of LIVING LIFE. It stinks.

Bonnie the Boss said...

I am right there with you, except I don't drink, which makes me eat more, to make up for the lack of drinking.
Love you and you make me smile! I know it is hard. Just know that you are an amazing woman who probably needs some TLC from those around you.
Here is a small dose, Hugs!