Tuesday, May 12, 2009

If It Weren't For BlogHer Ads In My Sidebar (This Post Would Be Nothing But Expletives)

Please feel free to insert, the obscenity of your choice, whenever you see an asterisk.

I went outside to mow the * lawn. I pulled the stack of one gazillion * resin chairs out of the * shed, because, of course, the * lawn mower is in the BACK of said shed. I wheeled the mower out and grabbed for the metal whatchamacallit that you need to hold to start the thing up. The * whatchamacallit wasn't there. I also noticed a frayed wire was dangling just above the ground.

WTF?

Yes, that's exactly what I texted Mr. Schmitty. Apparently, the * whatchamacallit is a safety latch. He said that it was broken. REALLY?! Thanks dear, I had no * idea.

He told me I needed to pry two metal pieces apart and rig something in it so the mower would start. He didn't tell me that the * little metal pieces are attached to a * spring that is next to impossible to pry apart.

My hand slipped. I gashed the top of my * right hand. *****!!! It immediately swelled but looked worse than it was. I'd take care of that later.

I tried again.

I did it. I jammed another piece of metal in between the pieces. It held. I pulled the rip cord, and I started the mower. Yippee!

I went to the front yard. I pushed a nice even line through the tall grass.

The * motor died. *****!!!!!!

I went to pull the * rip cord again. There was this strange piece of metal, like a small clamp, at the bottom of the cord.

"That doesn't * belong there!" I said to myself, though probably out loud at this point.

The * clamp should have been at the top of the * cord, near the * handle. It was to prevent the cord from going into the lawn mower.

I yanked on it to pull it back to the top. It wouldn't * budge. I used pliers. NOTHING. The cord and handle lay on the ground. I tried the * pliers one more time. I pinched my pointer finger. I dropped the * pliers and stifled a scream. A huge blood blister appeared.

The sun suddenly disappeared behind the clouds. I swore I heard a rumble.

THAT'S * IT!!! All I could imagine was standing there, in ten feet tall grass, bleeding and bruised, with a dead mower, looking like a drowned rat. Not this lady.

If it weren't for the fact that I am the only adult around for my children today, I'd be typing this drunk as a * skunk!

20 comments:

TMWW said...

Oh. My. God. I just peed my pants from laughing so hard. * lawnmowers. They should all be * up with a crowbar.

TMWW said...

P.S. Bet you wish now you'd taken Larry the Cable Guy up on his offer, huh?

ROFLMAO!!!!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

My god I hope your hand is ok. This gives you a good reason never to mow again.

Jill said...

That sucks!!! Your husband had better some home bearing flowers, wine and chocolate!

p.s. We're not supposed to curse on our blogs if we have BlogHer ads? I'm going to be in trubbbble!

mamatulip said...

Sounds like good times over at your house!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You totally crack me up lady!

Annie said...

That'll teach ya to try and mow the * lawn! ;)

Hope your hand is okay!

Mrs.Chattypants said...

Step away from the lawn mower! Then go have that drink and call it a day. Sometimes, the other side wins and we must concede.

The Fritz Facts said...

Ummm...wow. See, this is why I don't mow the lawn, or don't want to mow the lawn. So much pain is possible.

I really REALLY hope you got that drink. You deserve it!!!

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh my gosh! I love the title of this. You crack me up.

Tricia said...

That's it!! No more lawn mowing for you. It should be a new family rule.

Life As I Know It said...

I HATE mowing the lawn.

Bee and Rose said...

That was * hilarious post! (except for the part about your injuries...not so funny...booooo...) Hubster needs to do some big time makin' up for this one!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

***********!!! * and ** amazing that you * & * got through that * in one ** piece!!!

Patois said...

That is so * hilarious. I am laughing my * * off.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

So. so. funny. I'm sorry. I know it wasn't at the time, but it sounds like something I would have done!

I don't know why I am so late to getting to posts this week. Guess I've been taking the early bedtime and ignoring some of my blogging reading. I hope your hand has healed by now!

Karly said...

Wow, that was a lot of asterisks.

Why the heck were you mowing anyway? That's a boy's job.

Justice Fergie said...

LMAO. You my dear, are better than ME! I would have left the lawn, and that contraption right there in the shed for hubby to deal with.

Stacie's Madness said...

you poor thing!

Bonnie the Boss said...

I laughed and felt bad about it all at the same time! Larry the cable guy is looking better every minute!