Monday, November 17, 2008

I'm Going To Start Stapling Things To His Head

Do any of you have a husband that constantly loses his belongings? His car keys, cell phone, wallet? Well, I do.

It's a good thing the family jewels are attached to his body because we may never have had children.

Mr. Schmitty claims, when he is searching frantically for the above mentioned objects, that they are NOT lost. They are simply misplaced.

I have a theory that we must have a goblin living in our house, that mischievous bastard! And for some reason he's got a thorn in his ass for the Mr. because only HIS things disappear.

For instance, one day last week, the little peckerhead (the goblin, not Mr. Schmitty, of course) must have gotten a hold of the wallet. We searched high and low for it. In my husband's work truck, the minivan, and the front yard. We combed the whole house. Nada.

He researched the work truck, while I rechecked the minivan, front yard, and house. Nope. Nothing. Zilch.

I was beginning a slow boil. I really didn't want to spend all afternoon cancelling credit cards and atm cards. FREAKING CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I didn't want to wait for new plastic to get here!

I heard Mr. Schmitty in the kitchen. He had placed his gym bag on the counter.

"Did you look in there?" I asked, trying not to spit venom. He was digging into my free time. I mean c'mon, the kids were in SCHOOL!!

"Yes."

"Did you look through EVERYTHING? EVERY pocket? Did you take things out or just move them around?"

He looked annoyingly at me and said, "Of course I checked everything! It's not there."

"Okay, okay!" I said as I walked past the counter, "I belie.........OH MY GOD!!!"

"What?"

"OH MY FREAKING......OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAWD!"

"WHAT?!"

I didn't say another word, I just reached in the opened, side pocket of the gym bag and pulled out his wallet. I had glanced down on my way past the counter and there it was, clear as day.

The neighbors must have thought we were having the best slammin' sex in the world because all I could do for the next five minutes was yell, "OH.MY.GOD!"

10 comments:

Bonnie the Boss said...

Staples cause bleeding I recommend duct tape.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

LOL!!!! Who had a better time, you or the neighbors???

I am the undisputed QUEEN of the Lost Coffee Cup. Too dang busy knowing where everybody elses' stuff is to keep track of mine...Might keep that duct tape idea in mind.

Midwest Mommy said...

When the hubs can't find things he always, always, always says...
Well where did you put it?"

Christine said...

Is your husband's my husband's long lost brother? I so feel your pain. And I'm loving the duct tape idea.

Natalie said...

i totally feel you on this one. my husband is especially fond of losing expensive sunglasses. he lost two pair in a short time so i finally convinced him to just buy cheap ones. after hanging onto those for awhile i bought him a nicer pair for his birthday in april. he went golfing in sept. and came home without them...not sure where he left them. so much for that idea!

Lynn - the piggy bank painter said...

Maybe all men are related? I love the duct tape idea : )

kristi said...

Ditto on Midwest Mommy. My hubby can act an ASS and then find something later that he has put up and I have to DEMAND that he apologize for being a D&*#!!!

The Fritz Facts said...

Duct tape is the best way to go.

Man alive!!

Sabrae said...

I am LMAO over here!! you are too funny!!! Guess the neighbors will have to guess what you to are up to!!! hehe! The wife is constantly losing things as well so I feel your pain... So when she gets home I make sure that I am the one who hangs her keys in the proper place and places everything that I know she will need right in one spot that way I can just tell her where they are. :) She has come to rely on me doing this and has gotten so use to it that she just hands it to me when she walks thru the door! I also agree that duct tape would be the way to go!! LOL!You don't want to hurt the man... just put a simple reminder on him! lol Also don't forget to check out my blog for the two in one contest that I just posted :)

Tiddly Inks said...

OMGGGG!!!! I must be married to Mr Schmitty too...

My (real) hubby is standing behind me going "HHHHEeeeyyy, that's not nice!" LOL

Nope, not nice, but so terribly true! LOL

(We have actually had to cancel cards before! LOL).