My dog, Ruby, is a yapper. She has this high pitched bark that goes right through me. And she barks at everything.
Someone knocks at the door. She barks. Someone walks past the house. She barks. Someone puts a glass down on the table a little too loudly. She barks. Someone leaves the ketchup bottle on the counter. SHE.BARKS!
About twenty minutes ago I sat my butt down at my desk to draw up some proofs for a customer's notepads. Like the complete pain in the ass she is, she took that as her cue to start scratching on the back door to go out.
I sighed, heaved my body back out of my chair, and let her out. She took off across the yard like a bullet. Of course, barking wildly.
After I swallowed my heart back into my chest, I went outside and yelled at her to shut up.
She was going bananas by the fence, near the shed.
"RUBY! Get over here!" Ugh, That Stoopid Dog! The kids probably knocked over their wagon and dumb-dumb couldn't figure out what it was. She does things like that. One night she carried on for fifteen minutes because I had placed a bag of garbage outside the back door.
Suddenly I heard a yelp. Then I heard nails climbing up the wooden fence. Ruby started to run frantically along the fence. Her barking got crazier.
Then a black shadow appeared, running along the top of the fence. It's silhouette outlined by the light of the moon.
And then I saw IT. A long, [chill just ran up my spine], skinny [goosebumps] tail!!!
My heart started pounding out of my chest. "THAT HAD BETTER BE A FUCKING POSSUM!" I thought but realized I had actually screamed across the yard. [doing the I've got the willies dance on the patio]
"RUBY COME GET A TREAT....HERE GIRL, HERE'S A COOKIE!!! [pacing wildly on the patio prepared to dive through the glass of the storm door if I see glowing eyes]
Ruby came running, because dog treats are her life. I ran like hell into the laundry room and slammed and locked the door. Then I put up a barricade, you know, in case that THING WITH THE TAIL has a key!
[still shaking and getting goosebumps]
If that was a rat, I'm moving. Now, excuse me while I go change my underwear.