My Bionic Nose

I have been blessed/cursed with an extremely strong sense of smell. Even when my allergies are at their worst I can smell the slightest odor.

My superhuman, enhanced, smelling capabilities have come in handy in the past. For instance, when Mr. Schmitty and I lived upstairs from his olfactory challenged mother, my sniffer picked up a hint of rotten eggs. He couldn't smell a thing and swore I was crazy, but I insisted there was, in deed, a smell.

Upon further investigation we discovered that there was a major gas leak from behind his mother's stove. My nose had saved us from being blown to smithereens.

But, I must admit, most times I just want to shove tampons up my nostrils.

• Perfume. I can't wear it because, no matter how lightly I apply the fragrance, it smells like I bathed in it. I WILL get a pounding headache. Quite a few years ago in Macy's, a woman in the cosmetic department was spritzing customers as they walked by. She came at me and I almost clocked her one.
  

• Dead skunk in the road. I can smell it about 100 yards before we even see it. Mr. Schmitty knows that we are approaching rodent roadkill because I will start freaking out and rolling down the windows. I have to let the air out of the car because I can already smell the stench building up inside. Dead skunk just about does me in.
  

• Vomit. Enough said.

• Stinky feet. Now that my son, W., is getting close to puberty, his feet reek! I've been known to throw his sneakers outside or at least in his room. Let him smell them.
  

• Wet or dirty dog. Ruby likes to dig. If she comes inside with that...that...you know... SMELL, then she either has to go in the tub or to the groomer. She is not coming near me until she does.
  

• Garlic. I love it, just not so much on another person's breath. If Mr. Schmitty eats it, I can't even sleep next to him at night. I have to make sure either he or I is facing the opposite way. Or I have to build a barricade of pillows between us. He has actually woken me up, out of a sound sleep, by breathing on me with garlic induced Halitosis.
  

• B.O. At the grocery store, I was taking a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator. I suddenly got punched in the face with this repulsive funk. I looked around, not knowing where it was coming from. I was gagging. Then I saw him, about three doors down, he was getting eggs. I think the eggs tried to run from him. He was like Pepe Le Pew. I saw a green fog just trailing behind him where ever he went. I thought he might set off the sprinkler system. How in the world could he not smell himself?! Would people please, PLEASE use deodorant? Or at least take a shower every once in a while.

See?! It's bad. So, I ask you all, while you are here, please refrain from farting, because quite honestly, I'll probably be able to smell it.