Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Noah, Could You Build Me An Ark?

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was WIDE awake. Mr. Schmitty, as usual, fell asleep in nanoseconds. He was snoring peacefully next to me. I wanted to suffocate him with the pillow because I was just staring at the ceiling while my mind raced.

"Are you asleep?" I whispered.

"Huh? What? Who?" he muttered.

"Oh never mind!" I said.

He was snoring again before I even finished my sentence. Darn! I didn't want to get out of bed. I was tired but just couldn't nod off.

Okay, I guess I'll have to take action. I needed something to make me relax. I snuggled up close to Mr. Schmitty.

"Are you awake, NOW?" I purred. Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

So now that I was relaxed, Mr. Schmitty and I hunkered down for the night. He was still trying to figure out where that all came from when I last saw the clock at 12:30 am.

As it usually goes in my house, if you go to sleep later than 10:00 pm, expect something to happen during the night. Your sleep will be interrupted.

I was dreaming about a gorgeous house we were touring. It had all of the amenities and then some. Then I heard it, coming from the next room. I went to investigate. Wait, Huh? I jerk my head up and off of my pillow. That loud, weird sound wasn't my dream, "That's coming from my house!" I soon realized.

I jump out of bed and run down the stairs into the kitchen. What the hell? I run down another flight of stairs. No. Where is it coming from? I run down the hall, past the bathroom and into the laundry room. The noise was getting louder as I went. I flip the lights on.

OH.MY.LORD! There is water gushing from behind the washing machine. GUSHING!

"MR SCHMITTY!" I yell up the stairs.

I'm turning the knob for the water shut-off behind the washer. It's not stopping! He ran in and tried. Water is still shooting out everywhere. He runs into the playroom and yanks all of the buckets of toys away from the crawlspace door. He goes in. Where is the water shut-off?

He can't find the shut-off valve? HE.CAN'T.FIND.THE.EFFING.SHUT-OFF! We've only lived here 11 years!! He's the man, he's suppose to know where it is!!

I scream, "Hurry up, it's spewing gallons! GALLONS!!!"

The two of us are running around like chickens with no heads. It's 5 am, see what happens when you get no sleep? That's the last time that man will ever get sex! I swear, next time, I'm getting out of bed and blogging instead!

Finally he tries the knob behind the washer again. It shuts off.

Now, had I gone to sleep at a reasonable hour and hadn't panicked, I would have realized that I was turning off the WRONG knob. It was the cold water hose that broke. I should have remembered that from the time the hot water hose broke and I scalded myself. Red knob, hot water; black knob, cold water.

Okay, give me my hat, put me in the corner, laugh and throw rocks, I deserve it. Now let me go wash all of my towels and drain the foot of water out of my pantry.


Bananas said...

That's horrible!!! What an awful way to wake up!!

EE said...

That truly sucks! See what sex will get ya...;)

Valerie said...

Oh no, I always knew late night sex was bad for ya.

meleah rebeccah said...

Your husband makes for some KICK ASS blog material. I think I might need to get me one of these husband types.

aka_Meritt said...

Hey! This happened to us a couple years ago too! Almost the same exact thing... except I didn't call for Mr. Schmidtty! LOL.

WorksForMom said...

How awful for you but amusing for us. :)

Linda R. Moore said...

Ohh, bummer!

At that time of the morning you're allowed to not think straight.

Mommy the Maid said...

Oh man! That is no fun (well, the washer part, not the sex part). The same thing happens in this house. If you don't fall asleep before midnight, you will be woken up in the middle of the night.

Anonymous said...

Your "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" made me spew Dr. Pepper out my nose!

Maria said...

Ah, the joys of home ownership....

I have a theory that whenever one of us talks about how peaceful life has been, something terrible happens.

I have also noticed that when my MIL calls, something annoying happens within an hour. She is like my wake up call for frustration coming.

Serina Hope said...

That sounds like a scene from my life. I have been known to use the husband as a sleeping pill AND my washer has exploded in the middle of the night...I don't think they were the same night though.

Mom on Coffee said...

Funny! Barely awake and expected to know how to shut off, well, anything. Nope.

My house and I have an understanding, its not allowed to fuck with me until I've had at least a cup of coffee.

Zephra said...

Oh NO!!! I hope it was not too much to clean up. Thank God you were awake. that is how it happens in my house since I never sleep anyway.

Justice Fergie said...

yes, yes, what valerie said.

nothing good can come out of late night sex :)