Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Fugly Car

We own two cars. My precious Mazda MPV minivan and a Honda CRV. The CRV is Mr. Schmitty's car. It used to be mine. That's how it usually works. When we purchase a new car, I get it, and the old one passes down to him. It's not because he doesn't count around here, it's just because, well, we really don't NEED two cars. Mr. Schmitty has a work vehicle and when he isn't working, we are usually together. I hate paying insurance on another car, but we keep it for the infrequent times we need to be in two places at the same time.

Like today.

W. needed to be taken to his religious class/camp and I had to have my tooth filled. Now, I couldn't very well take T. and R. with me to the dentist and the car seats are in the minivan, so that meant I needed to take the CRV. Crap Damn It UGH!

As is usual, I had just enough time to leave and drive to the dentist. Mr. Schmitty started the car for me to cool it off. He informed me (surprise, SURPRISE), "The car needs gas." So I grab my purse and run out the door hoping I didn't hit any red lights on the way. I take one look at the car and think, "Man, this car needs a washing!" I don't think it's gotten one since the last rain storm. I jump in the car and get hit in the face with hot air. Thanks dearie for forgetting to turn the dial from hot to cold. Red means hot, blue means cold. I look down at the gas gauge. It's already on E. "Wonderful!" I spew out loud as I begin to back out of the driveway.

I look left, no cars, I look right....EWWWW, the birds or maybe a very large elephant, did a number on the passenger side window. Honestly, I can barely see out of it, but I don't have time. I drive about 8 minutes to the gas station, praying the engine doesn't conk out on me. I pull in and there are about 12 cars ahead of me. OH.COME.ON! The attendant finally gets to me and I know he's not washing the enormous turd off the window, 'cause he ain't looked like he done showered in a week.

While I'm sitting there I make a mental note to ask Mr. Schmitty to fumigate clean this piece of shit fine piece of machinery. I look all around me and this is what I see:

1. A million bunched up tissues, that I.WILL.NOT.TOUCH!
2. About 57 Chuck E. Cheese tokens all over the place, I haven't taken the kids to Chuck E. Cheese in at least 2 years, so yea, they've been there a while.
3. Assorted broken and unbroken cd cases, which are pointless to even have in there as the radio/cd player doesn't work. Though I must say I did enjoy the silence.
4. A New York Post from August 17, 2006, I guess he's saving it because there is a free Spider Man comic in it???!!!
5. Beach toys and a beach blanket, which I left out the other night between the car and the garage. So it would make sense he would put it in the car we never use instead of the garage, because, well, then I won't be able to find it next time.
6. A bunch of other crap like jumper cables and other nonsense.
7. A tv, it needs to go to a friend to be fixed. It's been in there for weeks, it looks like I just burglarized someone or I'm beginning my own junk yard business. I am beginning to feel like I'm in an episode of Sandford and Son.
8. Oh, and there is also a sample size can of "non-vacuuming" Carpet Fresh, which I know he hasn't used because there was some funky smells going on in there.

I handed my money to the grubby man and then used the hand sanitizing lotion I found under the seat for good measure. I lay back down and put the car into drive. You may have noticed that I said "I lay back down". I have no idea WHY but after Mr. Schmitty gets a hold of a car, the driver seat seems to always get stuck in a tilted back position. Maybe the dentist can also give me a shot of Novocaine in my back, I'm gonna need it driving like that!


Lainey-Paney said...

Good Night Alive!
That car needs to be cleaned!

...but hey, isn't that the way it always is: you need gas when you can least afford to spend the time stopping for it.

Misslionheart said...

OMG! I thought I was bad at keeping the car tidy! Now, I feel totally car-proud... ;)

I'll be in touch very soon to order my personalised Christmas cards!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

OMG this makes me laugh because I can SO relate.

I have a "newer" 1999 Pathfinder and my husband drives my old 1996 Honda Civic as his work car. It is ALWAYS full of random crap and the front passenger side power window got stuck half way down at some point last year and he had to disassemble the door and it still does not quite look right from the inside.



Day Dreamer said...

Oh this sounds like me....I'm always running out of gas at the worst moments, car has tell tale signs that I'm overdue to clean!

Funny post!

EE said...

Your post reminds me that I need to clean out my car!
Did the attendant wash the elephant shit off your window?

Justice Jones said...

I should let Hubby read this because he swears I have the most dirty car. This one takes the cake! At least you can laugh about it :)

Justice Fergie said...

Sounds EXACTLY like my husband's car. Only you forgot the many syrup-covered saucers and forks from his Eggo waffle breakfasts on the road. And smelly, sweaty T-shirts that he changes out of in the car when he's done playing b-ball. Blech.

It's funny too, because he thinks MY car is a mess!

kristi said...

UGH, sounds like my husband's truck. NASTY.

DraMa said...

Where in the samhell do you live where you get your gas pumped for you??? Oregon? New Jersey?

Must be nice!