Not Always What It's Cracked Up To Be

I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for this post. I'm thinking I might hit a nerve with some of the moms that just, "luuuuuurve being a mom alllllll the time".

To them I say, "Bullshit".

This gig ain't always sunshine and smiles. Actually, a lot of the time, it can be quite the opposite. It's a fucking, hard-ass job; the hardest job I've ever had, that's for sure. And this job never even came with any instruction manuals. The "What To Expect..." series, my ever-loving ass. Write a book and title it, "You Have No Idea What The Hell You Are In For". For God's Sake, even when I was a lowly bank teller I got two weeks training. And the pay? Well, that sucks too.

I love my children with all of my being. I'd die for them, without hesitation. But sometimes? I do not like them, Sam I am.

Sometimes, when I've had a truly horrible day, much like today, I think, "How would life be right now for Mr. Schmitty and I if we hadn't been able to have children?"

Hey YOU over there, I heard you gasp. Knock it off, you aren't going to tell me that the thought hasn't crossed your mind a time or two dozen.

I imagine that I would probably still have that great, toned body. I wouldn't be so stressed and tired all of the time. I'd have a whole lot more money. I could travel with my husband. I'd be driving a sports car.

I.WOULDN'T.BE.DRIVING.A.MINIVAN!!

I wouldn't be putting up with demands, whining, or tantrums. I wouldn't be wiping butts, cleaning up boogers on the walls, or washing loads of vomited on sheets at 2 am. I wouldn't be baking cupcakes, buying poster board, or helping to cram for a test, late into the night, because I was just told it was due tomorrow.

Yes, these are all things I've thought about. And for a brief moment, it does sound like paradise. It also sounds like a lonely existence because I'd be missing out on cuddles, smooches, and "Mommy, I Love Yous". I wouldn't hear belly laughs or squeals of delight. I wouldn't see looks of wonderment, awe, and curiosity.

I wouldn't have my babies.

So, yeah, I do take my mental vacations on occasion. And if they don't work...well, there's always wine.

What Will Their Future Hold?

I'm sure I'm not the only mom that wonders what her children will grow up to be.

A doctor? A lawyer? An exotic dancer? An Entertainer?

Or how about President? Though I think I want my children to be President of their own company rather than of the country.

T.'s preschool class put on a small show for the parents back in May. During one bit, the children carried signs that stated which profession they wanted to pursue, when they were grown. Some wanted to be Nurses, others wanted to be Policemen or Firemen, and most wanted to take care of animals and be a Veterinarian.

Five year old children are very noble.

When W.'s yearbook came home from school, I immediately turned to the 4th grade class. Next to each child's picture was their answer to the question, "What do you want to be?" Gone were the healers and protectors.

Ten year olds want to be rich and famous, baby!

The majority of the boys longed to become a Professional Jock. Top Professional Jocks too, they were all going to be in the Major Leagues! No sport was overlooked; Baseball, Basketball, Football, Synchronized Swimming.

The majority of the girls wanted to rocket to stardom as a Singer, Model, or Actress. Even the ugly ones. The overachievers wanted to be all three.

See how only five years can change a person's whole way of thinking?

I've asked my children many times what they think they might want to do in their adult lives. I'm not surprised by their answers, as the responses are pretty typical for their ages. Like any mom, I know my kids can be ANYTHING they want. They can DO anything they want.

Today I got to thinking (is something burning?), wouldn't it be fun if I had to assign them jobs based on their personalities right now? Certainly their careers would take quite specific paths.

W.'s yearbook picture stated that he would like to be a Chef. First of all, he eats pretty much pasta and bread and bread and pasta. His palate is only accustomed to blandness. Gordon Ramsey would set himself on fire. He does, however, love sweets. So, quite possibly a career as a Pastry Chef could be in his future.

I think he should be a Stuntman. He can throw a punch, flip around, and fall on the hardwood floors with a tremendous thud. It scares the bejezus out of me and makes me run from the next room because I am sure there's blood. He's usually lying on the floor laughing. He has NO fear and apparently very strong bones.

R. wants to be a Vet. The only reasonable part of that thought is that she isn't afraid of animals. My little munchkin, all 30 lbs. of her, will run up to a dog three times her size and wrap her arms around it's neck. The problem? She doesn't exactly have the best bedside manner. Ask poor Ruby who has been picked up by her tail on more than one occasion.

I think R. should be a News Anchor or a Talk Show Host. Why? BECAUSE.SHE.NEVER.SHUTS.UP! The pint-sized terror would also be excellent as a female Wrestler, Boxer, Bounty Hunter, or Hit Woman. Ahhh...my dainty girl has such a bright future ahead of her.

And finally T., my guy who will always be plagued by the middle child syndrome. Some days he wants to be a Chef and some days he wants to be a Vet. It depends on which sibling he is idolizing that particular day.

I think T. should be a Lawyer. He is the most persistent, argumentative child I have ever come across. He wants answers NOW! He'd be so great at cross-examination. He'd badger the information out of any witness that took the stand. Move over F. Lee Bailey.

So, what do your kids want to be? Or better yet, based on their personalities, what do you foresee?

Things That Make You Go...Hmmmmm

I just noticed something I do to my son. I didn't realize I did this until today. It's one of those things that will eventually come back to bite me in the arse.

W. is 9. Technically he is 9 years and 7 months. This being said, I'm wondering, do you do this too? Do you sometimes refer to your child's actual age and other times add a year? Let me clarify this with an example.

W.: "Mom, I don't waaaaannnnnnaaaa take a shower!!"

Me: "Please stop whining, you are going to be 10 years old!"

W.: "Mom, can I get a cell phone?"

Me: "Why do you need a cell phone? You are only 9!"

See what I mean?

I use the span of a few months to twist my responses to him in a way that will work for ME. He can't possibly ever win, can he?

I know it sounds like total manipulation of my child. You are probably right and Dr. Phil would be ripping me a new one if he read this. But I look at it this way, in a few years he'll catch on. He'll be working me instead.

Me: "W., call me when you get there and be home early."

W.: "Oh Mom! I'm not a little kid, I'm almost 15!"

Me: "W., if you want some extra spending money, maybe you should get a job?"

W.: "A JOB? I'm only 14, I'm just a kid! I don't need a job yet!"

Thoughts Bouncing Around In My Head

1. I may have resolved the sleeping issue with R. After countless nights of her waking me up and then me squeezing my fat butt into her teeny, tiny, twin-sized bed where I tossed and turned until morning, I gave her what she wanted. It never dawned on me, probably because of the sleep deprivation, that she was lonely and scared in her room. She said to me the other night that I have daddy and W. has T. Uh-Duh, light bulb moment. So yesterday I moved furniture and the kids are now sleeping in one room. I figure they are still young, it's only sleep, right? They slept like angels ALL.THROUGH.THE.NIGHT! I, still slept horribly. Go figure.

2. I have got to get the kid's hair cut! Only five more days until school, nothing like waiting until the last minute. I probably won't be able to find an open chair anywhere. Anybody have a Flowbee?

3. I went out to dinner last night with some neighborhood moms. We get together right before school lets out for summer and right before it begins again. There were eight of us; good food, wine, lots of banter, more wine, laughter, did I mention wine? We were kind of loud, I guess when there are five conversations going at once, the voices kind of travel, plus, you know THE WINE. One of the waiters "accidentally" flipped the lights on and off. I guess that was a signal for us to leave, yea, he waited until after we tipped him. When we left I noticed on the door that they closed at 9 pm. It was 10. We bad.

4. I'm taking the boys and one of T.'s friends to the Cole Bros. Circus tomorrow. T. won the tickets! One day when the kids were bored I had them color pictures for a local newspaper's coloring contest. T.'s picture was a runner up. I knew if anyone could win, it would be him. His coloring is amazing for his age. Even at two he could color in the lines. He's always held a crayon like a pencil, no fisted coloring for him. He's very precise and concentrates so hard....my little artist!

5. Mr. Schmitty and I are going to a wedding in two weeks. WE.GET.TO.SPEND.THE.NIGHT! NO.KIDS! My mom and sister are going to stay over. I'm so excited. Mr. Schmitty and I haven't stayed overnight without the kids since, um, never. My neighbor's son is the groom and a few couples in the neighborhood are invited. We are all getting rooms at the hotel where the reception is being held. It's going to be drunkfest '07. We are gonna party like it's 1999!

6. About the wedding, question for you all. This is going to sound dumb, but I've never been to a "black tie optional" wedding before. What kind of dress do I wear? How fancy? Mr. Schmitty and the neighborhood guys are refusing the black tie option. I don't want to be overdressed or underdressed. Any advice?

7. P.S. I'm not looking forward to actually trying dresses on this body of mine. I tend to get a bit depressed looking in the mirror and realizing that I've really gotten FAT! If I start fasting now, how much do you think I can lose in two weeks? Hmmmm......