Thursday, September 16, 2010

Flip Flops Should Come With A Disclaimer

This is not the post I set out to write today. I was going to write about (i.e. mock) one of my children. But apparently, there is some bitch named Karma out there and she cut me off at the pass.

So, seeing as I am totally able to ridicule myself as well as I can the next guy, I am changing the subject of today's post.

No matter what my kids may say, I am fair.

This morning started out glorious. The kids got ready for school on time AND without me even so much as threatening to beat them. The sun was shining and it was a cool 63 or so degrees.

Perfect walking weather.

My two younger ones grabbed their backpacks and I slipped on my flip flops.

(cue music: dun-dun-dun)

We headed out the door, stopping once to pick up our neighbors, before continuing on our way.

My daughter and her best friend, holding hands, frolicked ahead of us. They were greeted at the corner by their third BFF and their group was complete. The "Bad Girls", as they have declared themselves, (that, my friends, is another post entirely) skipped ahead not caring if we were still behind them or not.

My friend and I chatted, as T. walked along beside me. We approached the school and that's when it happened.

Do you know when you watch TV and you see someone falling in slow motion? Think of that as I describe this scene.

The toe of my *$#%! flip flop caught on the small rise of the *$#%! *$#%! sidewalk. I felt myself beginning fall.

No wait. I caught myself.

No wait. I didn't.

WHAM! I fell on the right side of my body. My side, right below my ribcage hit the pavement. I think I bounced. There is something to be said for extra weight around your middle. Next, somehow, I flipped and I rolled right into the street next to the curb.

Did you think about that in slo-mo? No? Read it again, I'll wait.

Funnier, wasn't it?

Now, besides our Principal, there are only three other men in our school. As luck would have it, all three of those men stand directing the buses into the parking lot, IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO WHERE I MADE AN ASS OF MYSELF FELL.

The gym teacher and his assistant (a young and very CUTE one) ran to my side and asked me if I was okay. I went to speak, I couldn't. The wind had been completely knocked out of me. I tried again. Nothing.

All I could think about was whether or not the new gym teacher would have to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation my son who was standing there staring at me. I didn't want him to be any more afraid than he already seemed (my son, not the gym teacher).

On a side note, my daughter? Totally gone. She skipped her self right into school because, well, she was with her friends.

Nice to know where I rank.

Anyway, I finally caught my breath and got up. I wanted to shout, "Ta-Da!" but I just laughed instead. My son's face relaxed (so did the gym teacher's) and he smiled (my son, not the gym teacher).

After being taunted for a few minutes by the male teachers, something that I am sure is not over, I walked my son into school. Only then did I shed a tear or two as I examined my injuries.

Thankfully those were minor. A scraped toe, ankle, and arm. A little sidewalk burn. Nothing a few Bandaids and Neosporin wouldn't fix.

I am hurting a bit from the impact though.

Shit
, maybe I ruptured my spleen!

I could be bleeding internally right not and not even know it! I also have wicked heartburn, I think I shot my stomach into my throat when I landed. A ruptured spleen AND a misplaced stomach?! That can't be good. Hold on, I have to Google this.

Okay, your spleen is on your left side.

Oh, did I mention, I also screwed up my toenail polish? Damn it, right?!

To make myself feel better, I purchased a scratch off lottery ticket, which seems dumb because I just almost killed myself. And who buys a lottery ticket when luck really doesn't seem to be on their side.

Anyway, Karma, IN YOUR FACE because I won fifty bucks!!

Now I can get a pedicure.....or a new pair of shoes.

7 comments:

Megryansmom said...

Woohoo, for the lotto ticket not the fall!

Anonymous said...

So glad I am not the only one who has issues walking...with or without flip flops!

Glad you are okay, and won some cash! lol

fritzfacts said...

That was me...hit the wrong button too fast...

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

That stinks. Hey at least you got $50 out of it!!!

You didn't have on a dress or skirt did you? That would really suck.

I am very ungraceful. I usually have a permanent thigh bruise from ramming my leg into a table or pretty much any object that is in my way.

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

Is it wrong that I giggled (and LOL'd when mentioning your spleen) reading this?

Only because I fall when NOT wearing flip flops.

Nice job on the lottery ticket - sounds like a perfect way to end a week.

Oh, wait, it's not over.

Um...maybe you should do the rest of the day, barefoot :)

Jennifer said...

Of course there was an audience. Of course.

Tell them you were practicing for a fire drill. Stop, drop and roll. ;-)

Baloney said...

To make you feel better, when I was going through rush in college I tripped and fell in front of a sorority house. Skinned my knees... and the palms of my hands... and tore holes in the knees of my pantyhose.
I'm talented that way.