Friday, July 23, 2010

Honey, E.T. Would Have Called, But You Stole His Finger

My mother-in-law likes to reminisce about days gone by. She especially likes to talk about her children and I love hearing about Mr. Schmitty as a youngster.

One particular story involves a bit of a fetish.

As a child, my husband, well, he had a bit of an obsession, with his feet.

That obsession may have been the result of having to wear special shoes on his feet every night. Those shoes had a metal bar between them that would keep his feet from turning inward.

Poor guy. Can you imagine night after night, lying in bed, on your back, with your feet restrained?!

Um, wait...oh nevermind.

Anyway, my mother-in-law believes that because of this, Mr. Schmitty became very protective of his feet. He wanted no one and I mean NO ONE to see them.

Once, he was using the toilet, and like most children, he peed with the door to the bathroom left wide open. His aunt yelled from the other room that she could see his hiney. His answer? "But you can't see my feet!!!"

I also recall hearing that he bathed with his socks on.

Until recently, Mr. Schmitty wore his socks constantly. I teased him and told him that he was still slightly fixated on his feet issues. He would just roll his eyes and dismiss it as being ridiculous; his feet were just cold.

I had to draw the line sometimes. You know when...well, it's just not sexy seeing glowing white, over the calf socks making their way toward you in the darkness of your bedroom.


Lately, Mr. Schmitty has broken free of this compulsion to hide his tootsies. He proudly struts around barefoot, allowing all those in his path to gaze at his glorious feet.

I just don't get it, first the working out and getting all buff and now the sock-less feet. What's next? A speedo or worse yet, sunning himself naked in the yard?

Maybe it's a midlife crisis or something.

Whatever it is, I've come to realize, that though his mom believed those metal-barred shoes were the culprit, I believe differently. He hid his piggies because his feet are Uuuuuugleeee!

His toes are long and a bit hammered. And the toe next to his biggest toe? It reminds me of E.T.'s phone home finger; except, well, it doesn't light up. That would just be weird.

So, honey, don't feel subconscious about covering up. I completely understand, heck, I even encourage it.


kristi said...

My hubby has some big azz feet...they are not cute. By the way, I hate feet!

Bonnie the Boss said...

Not a feet fan here either. My hubby's are pretty gross!

Christy/Tiddly Inks Digitals said... home!!!!!
Well, at least he has all his toes????