Friday, August 28, 2009

Dear God,

I know that you and I haven't always been close. I don't have to remind you of the issues I had with you when I was a kid. You know, the whole, where are you when I need you, thing. But then again, I guess I can't complain, seeing as what your own son gave up for us and all.

Though I have questioned your existence periodically, in my heart, I do think you are out there. It's just difficult to comprehend at times, when there are so many bad things in the world. So much hurt. So much anger. But, belief in you must also bring belief in evil, I suppose.

And I know that I don't attend church very often. Some will find fault with me for that. But I have my reasons and none really have anything to do with you. I've never felt comfortable in the institution of my faith. Something never seemed quite right.

I talk to you. I thank you. I praise you. I just don't find the need to do so in a building. Only you could understand my innermost thoughts and you can do that no matter where I am. Plus, no one but YOU needs to judge me or my convictions, right?

At least no one should.

I wonder if that is why I am reluctant to participate in a weekly gathering of souls. Or perhaps there is a deeper, more profound meaning. Could it be the fact, that since a child, I never saw myself as worthy. How could you love me when it seemed that no one else did?

I had a sense of not belonging in many aspects of my life. I have endured my fair share of betrayals from those who should have kept me safe; from those that held my heart. Did I deserve what I got? Am I not the good person I sought to be?

I step back and look around me. Yes, I have had to battle much in my life. I've come through each and every one. Stronger. Smarter. More grateful.

I have a great life. A wonderful husband and fantastic kids.

I KNOW I'm a good person. And yes, bad things DO happen to good people. I hope that one day, Karma will come full circle and bless my family and I with good fortune.


Mrs. S.

P.S. FYI - The Mega Millions Jackpot is THREE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. In case you forgot or something. thnxkbai.


Baloney said...

ok - that last line? Classic!
I hope you will someday find a place to fellowship with others. I also hope you will never, ever worry about what others THINK about you and your faith. That's between you and God. Blessings to you!!
And if you win the lottery will you treat me to a fun girls weekend in Vegas? I promise to enjoy every minute.

Dina said...

As an ordained minister myself, I hear your words so often, and I appreciate your honesty. Truthfully, I am not a typical churchgoer as well. I honor God in the every day. I don't set aside one day a week. Honestly, its whatever "floats your boat". If I could find a place where I live that I could feel "at home" in, I would go. Hah. Maybe I should start my own place. :) I am rooting for you to win the lottery, and if you DO win, you should bring every person that commented to this post to Vegas! It will be fun! :) hehe

Patois said...

Isn't there some joke about a guy praying to win the lottery for years and years. Finally, the voice of God says, "Will you go buy a ticket already?"

Here's hoping you remember your long-time readers if you do bring it home.

Mrs.Chattypants said...

Love this post! Interesting that this is something that I too grapple with. I am not a church or building dweller, but I try to live my life the best that I can, in a way that is honorable to God. I think that is all that He asks. And the lottery? I think the appropriate language is thank you Lord for the copious amounts of lottery money you have bestowed upon our family. We will use it to live a life honorable to you. Read it, believe it and let me know if it works before Saturday. Please. :)

The Fritz Facts said...

I have that constant battle of going to church. I am religious, but don't like organized religion. Something about it turns me off, maybe it was the years of search to find where I belong.