I know that you and I haven't always been close. I don't have to remind you of the issues I had with you when I was a kid. You know, the whole, where are you when I need you, thing. But then again, I guess I can't complain, seeing as what your own son gave up for us and all.
Though I have questioned your existence periodically, in my heart, I do think you are out there. It's just difficult to comprehend at times, when there are so many bad things in the world. So much hurt. So much anger. But, belief in you must also bring belief in evil, I suppose.
And I know that I don't attend church very often. Some will find fault with me for that. But I have my reasons and none really have anything to do with you. I've never felt comfortable in the institution of my faith. Something never seemed quite right.
I talk to you. I thank you. I praise you. I just don't find the need to do so in a building. Only you could understand my innermost thoughts and you can do that no matter where I am. Plus, no one but YOU needs to judge me or my convictions, right?
At least no one should.
I wonder if that is why I am reluctant to participate in a weekly gathering of souls. Or perhaps there is a deeper, more profound meaning. Could it be the fact, that since a child, I never saw myself as worthy. How could you love me when it seemed that no one else did?
I had a sense of not belonging in many aspects of my life. I have endured my fair share of betrayals from those who should have kept me safe; from those that held my heart. Did I deserve what I got? Am I not the good person I sought to be?
I step back and look around me. Yes, I have had to battle much in my life. I've come through each and every one. Stronger. Smarter. More grateful.
I have a great life. A wonderful husband and fantastic kids.
I KNOW I'm a good person. And yes, bad things DO happen to good people. I hope that one day, Karma will come full circle and bless my family and I with good fortune.
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