Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Vengeance Is Mine!

Our house has a tendency to get quite warm when we are entertaining. The main floor of our split-level home has an open floor plan with the living room, dining room, and kitchen all adjoining. Once I begin cooking, the place heats up very quickly. That being said, I make sure to keep the house pretty cool during the earlier part of the day, before guests arrive and the oven gets turned on.

Easter Sunday, as I was spot cleaning the bathrooms, I reminded Mr. Schmitty about the temperature issue. I'm not sure exactly WHY I needed to remind him, he does live here too, but considering the fact that he is male, I always find the need to cover my bases.

I then began to get myself ready for the festivities. I showered, dried my hair, and applied some make-up. I began to sweat. Heat radiated from the middle of my back and throughout my body. I suffer from PMDD and PCOS so I get hot flashes periodically, but THIS was definitely more than my wacky hormones.

I looked at the thermostat, it had been turned up a few degrees. "You've got to be kidding me," I thought and then I yelled, "WHO.TURNED.UP.THE.DAMNED.HEAT?!"

"I did, I'm cold!" replied Mr. Schmitty.


"I specifically asked you NOT to. I have to cook and you know how hot this house gets when we have company!! I'm going to sweat my ass off!!"

blink. blink.

He just stared at me and then continued on his way.

Okay, if that's the way he wants it. I'll just bide my time. I can wait, buddy.

About thirty minutes later Mr. Schmitty took his turn in the shower. I listened outside of the door for the curtain to be pulled over. I unlocked the door with my fingernail, crept into the bathroom, grabbed his towel, and all of his clothes. I placed a small washcloth on the sink. It was designed with a cartoon image of a dinosaur.

I then flushed the toilet and ran out, closing the door behind me.

"UUUUUUGGGGHHH!" I heard him cry as he got blasted with cold water.

I then placed his clothing in front of the window in the next room, making sure the shade was rolled all the way up. He'd just have to use that cute little dinosaur to cover the family jewels.

I then went into the laundry room, which is right next to the downstairs bathroom, and put on a load.

More moans and groans from the shower as he was once again assaulted with an icy spray. I thought of George Costanza and shrinkage. BWAAAAHHHAAAA!

Then I waited. I should have made popcorn.

I heard the water turn off. Then I heard mumbling and the sound of the hairdryer. He was drying his body!!! I couldn't contain myself.

"Are you warm enough NOW?" I inquired through fits of laughter. I believe I was cackling at this point.

After about ten minutes, the hairdryer turned off, I again heard mumbling. He must have realized I had taken all of his clothes. I heard the door open, he peeked out and called to T. to get his clothes.

"NOPE!" My favorite child in the world told him.

My husband then noticed the front window. He smirked at me and I just glared back. He darted his naked arse back into the laundry room. He emerged wearing a pair of underwear.

DAMMIT! Where did they come from?!

He then crawled on the floor to retrieve the rest of his clothing at the front of the house while I laughed at his expense.

Ahhhh....I feel so much better now.


Anonymous said...

You should have a plaque made:

Thou shalt not screw with Mrs. Schmitty!!!

The Fritz Facts said...

I am going to e-mail you whenever I need ideas! You always have the best!!

Mrs.Chattypants said...

That was too funny! Love, love, LOVE that story!!!Paybacks are great if used properly. roflmao!

Drama Queen Jenner said...

How dare he mess with your prank like that! Great one!

Jill said...

You crack me up! You are an evil genius! And maybe Mr. Schmitty needs to learn about a little thing called a sweater the next time he gets cold. Does he think you're made of money!?!?

Queen-Size funny bone said...

oh that is a great one and will have to try it on one of my girls next time they piss me off.

Baloney said...

I love the way you think. We are sisters in the bond...

This Mom said...

You are one wicked woman. And my kind of gal!!! hehe

Jonny's Mommy said...

That is a hilarious story. Found you on Entrecard and believe I'll have to add you to my reader. You are evil and I could get some great ideas from you! Men can be sooooo clueless at times!

Bonnie the Boss said...

That is soooooo funny! You are awesome!

Sarah @ said...

That's AWESOME! I'm with Fritz - I'm going to e-mail whenever I need ideas lol.

Bee and Rose said...

You are soooo funny!(and very diabolical!) LOL!

That was like watching a sitcom!

♥georgie♥ said...

ahhhh Mrs Schmity that had me ROLLIN!!!! too funny!

Maria said...

God, I want to take you out to lunch....

meleah rebeccah said...

Ah hahhahahah. The hair dryer part cracked me up!

Christy Croll said...


Seriously funny! You are one villianess...I must take notes. LOL