Sunday, August 17, 2008

It Will Be Like Freaky Friday...Only It Will Be Monday

The kids SO need school to start. For their own good and for my own sanity. You know how it is, they have gotten to the middle of August and now they are bored. And I'm tired.

I'm tired of the bickering. The back talk. The laziness. The battles. I'm just so very tired.

All three of my rugrats lovelies will be attending school this year. W. is going to the middle school for 5th grade. He'll be leaving the house, to catch the bus, at 7:15 am. Yea, so not prepared for that fight. T. is going to the elementary school to begin half day kindergarten and R. is going to the same school to attend half day pre-school. They will be going every day in the afternoons. At.the.same.time. I get two and a half hours a day to myself.

Can I get an AMEN?!

Tonight when the war that is known as bedtime began, I told them that I had a great idea for tomorrow. I am going to be the kid and they were going to play parent. The three of them began to laugh and cheer. "Yeah!! We get to tell mom what to do!!"

I then burst their bubble with a breakdown of how the day will probably go.
  • When I wake up I will climb in bed with you and poke you. If that doesn't rouse you, I will pull strands of your hair.
  • I will tell you that "I don't have to go to the bathroom!" even though I'm doing the potty dance.
  • I will pee standing up and will stretch at the same time spraying urine all over the seat and anything else within range.
  • I will walk out of the bathroom without wiping, cleaning up the pee, flushing, or putting the seat down.
  • You have to make me breakfast, when I decide to tell you what I want because "I just don't know!" After you make it, I will tell you that I changed my mind.
  • I will spill my milk all over the table and onto the floor.
  • I will leave my dirty dishes on the table and flop in front of the television.
  • After you tell me to do my chores, at least 50 times, I will ask you what you said.
  • I will get dressed and leave my clothes on the floor next to the hamper.
  • You will notice that I did not change my underwear. You will tell me to, I will grunt at you and roll my eyes.
  • I will brush my bottom back teeth only.
  • I will squirt toothpaste all over the vanity.
  • I will forget to wash my face, brush my hair, and make my bed.
  • In between each of these steps I will ask you if my friends can come over to play. You will need to remind me that they can come over AFTER my chores are complete.
  • I will invite my friends over to play Wii. We will get hungry so you will have to make us lunch.
  • But first you will have to do a load of laundry after you clean out my underwear because I will poop in them even though I'm old enough not to.
  • You will also have make sure I shower the stench off of me.
  • I will waste twenty minutes in the shower and when you ask if I am done, I will say I didn't even start yet.
  • You will need to dry the bathroom because I managed to splash water on every inch of surface.
  • You will need to clean yourself up and continue making us lunch.
  • I will argue with you that I'm done eating my lunch and want ice cream even though I only took one bite of my sandwich.
  • After I finally decide to eat, I will do so over my lap and not the plate, making sure the crumbs fall to the floor.
  • I will watch Ruby eat the peanut butter and jelly pieces and then proceed to throw it up all over the floor you mopped this morning after the spilled milk incident.
  • My friends and I will suck on lollipops and leave the sticky wrappers and sticks on the rug and on the dressers.
  • We will then ask for ice cream and cookies.
  • We will run through the house screaming because we are now all sugared up.
  • I will ask over and over if my friends can stay for dinner. We all want Happy Meals with a toy. All 10 of us. What do you mean you don't have any money? Just go to the bank.
  • You will send my friends home and I will begin my forty minute meltdown. I'm too tired to clean up the mess we made!
  • I will mope around until dinner is put on the table. I will complain about everything on the plate. I will not eat my vegetables.
  • I will ask for ice cream. Again.
  • I will spill my milk. Again.
  • I will throw my paper plate on top of the garbage so it falls to the back of the cabinet.
  • I will toss my, half a glass left of milk, into the sink and splatter milk all over the kitchen window.
  • I will not go upstairs to the bathroom until somebody goes with me because there are monsters up there!
  • When you tell me to put on my pajamas, I will run into your room, naked, and bounce up and down your your bed tempting you to catch me.
  • I will probably get hurt and scream and cry and blame you.
  • I will argue with you about going to bed until I notice my favorite television show is on. Then I will settle down to watch, only to bounce off the walls, two minutes before bedtime.
  • I will say I am hungry. I will say I am thirsty. I will need to go to the bathroom. I will need a hug. I will need a kiss. I will need my quilt fixed. I will need the light turned up. I'm scared, I need you to sit with me. I will whine that "I'm not tired!" I will ask for each of these things, one at a time, after you have gone downstairs and gotten comfortable on the couch.
  • All day I will tell you No. I will always have to have the last word. I will talk over you. I will ignore you when you talk. I will tell you that you are unfair. I might even tell you that I hate you even though later, I will swear I didn't mean it.
You all told me that you would put me in time-out in my room.

I'll just do what you all do. I'll do the dead body drop. Try carrying me up the stairs. Heh.


Loralee Choate said...

"When you tell me to put on my pajamas, I will run into your room, naked, and bounce up and down your your bed tempting you to catch me."

My husband tries to get me to do this ALL the time. Poor man.

Zephra said...

I am printing this one out for the kids.

Jay said...

Thank you for reminding me why I'm so happy that my boys are adults and living away from home! Not that I'd forgotten. It takes a long, long time to forget childraising experiences. LOL!

Melessa said...

I am laughing so hard that I'm crying right now! We must have the same children.

Mrs. R said...

I laughed so hard I almost cried, and I don't even have kids.

Stellar post Madame Schmitty, steller post.

Maria said...

Well, now. I sat there thinking that there is no doubt that we are the most overworked women on the planet. When you break down you day minute by minute like is crazy making.

And so true...

The Fritz Facts said...

When did my kids get to your house?

That is hilarious! I loved it.

meleah rebeccah said...

how do kids make their bodies so heavy... by using the sheer force of all the gravity in the world at once?

baseballmom said...

Holy God, I'm glad it's not just at my house! I found myself nodding at almost everything!!!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Oh did you hit that one on the head! When I go shopping sometimes I see these kids running to get in the cart so their mother can push them while they attempt to grocery shop. I say to the kids I think you should push your mother around for a change! the kids look at you like your crazy. don't try to upset the law of the land...

Queen-Size funny bone said...

p.s. you realize you could say some of those same things about husbands.

Christina said...

I knew there was a reason... or several.. that I'm happy with a dog and cat. When they are being too much I can just put them out in the yard and shut the door.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Loralee: Yea, mine too. Men are pervs, aren't they?

Zephra: Put it right on the fridge!

Jay: I bet you still have nightmares about it! LOL

Melessa: They all come from the same mold, me thinks!

Mrs. R.: Why thank you! I'm so glad I could oblige!

Maria: Yes, I'm certifiable! ;)

Kellyn: They might be here somewhere, I usually have a ton here. Let me take a headcount!

Meleah: My kids are so low on the weight charts they barely register, however, the dead body drop...they feel like elephants!

Baseball Mom: I'm so glad to hear that it's just not MY house either! It makes me think my kids aren't aliens after all.

Queen-size Funny Bone: Oh didn't I tell you? My hubby IS my 4th child.

Christina: Oh, I do that with my kids too. But unfortunately if it rains or gets too dark I have to let them back in.

Karly said...

I might try peeing all over my bathroom...just to see how my husband and son like it. The jerks.

Leslie said...

This was hilarious! Julia would fit right in with your kids.

Sarah said...

When did they install the nanny cam and how much more did you see?