Monday, July 28, 2008

In A Very Bad Place Today

It is 8:30 pm and I am finally sitting in silence. The kids are in their rooms watching television and Mr. Schmitty is working. I am trying to write this post, but I'm having a hard time putting words together. I have too many thoughts running through my head. I can't make them stop, or at least slow down, so I can grasp one.

I've had a very rough day. I'm at the bottom of a deep, deep well and I'm trying to claw my way to the top. Just when I think I see the ledge, and a slight bit of hope begins to seep into my heart, I slip back down into the darkness. There is no one to call out to. No one to pull me up. My pride, flat-out, won't have it. I am stubbornly self-reliant, one of my greatest assets, yet, one of my greatest flaws.

I've been here before. My current state is familiar, but for some reason, today is the worst I have yet to experience. I know I'll pull through it, I always do, but each time I do, I feel like a piece of me has been crushed. I only pray I haven't crushed the souls of anyone else, specifically, my beautiful children. Whereas, I try to go through the routine of the day, normally, a smile plastered on my face, my children do seem to have a sense that something isn't quite right.

Mommy is sad and they are fully aware.

The depression today is making me a zombie. I am caught inside myself, looking out through my eyes, as though they are windows. I'm not really here. Not the real me anyway.

On my chest is a ten pound weight. It's not pressing exceedingly hard, only enough that I realize it's there. It's the same when the anxiety strikes, always that barely detectable pressure on my chest.

I know my issues are hormonal. I suffer from both PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). The symptoms of each disorder is draining enough, but the combination of the two makes me, at times, believe I will lose complete control.

The PMDD causes hormonal ups and downs. The symptoms are many, and I experience most of them, if not all, throughout every month. My PCOS has caused me almost a decade of infertility issues, insulin resistance, which accounted for my Gestational Diabetes times three, excessive weight gain, and other, more annoying problems.

The syndrome certainly doesn't help the disorder and vice versa.

I am caught in a constant, vicious cycle.

So, my dear friends. That is where I am right now. I take medication to assist in easing my depression/anxiety, and most days it does it's job. However, some days, not so much. Today is one of those days.

Thank you for coming to my pity party and letting me vent. Make sure to sign the guestbook on your way out.

I'm going to bed.

21 comments:

Maria said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. This sucks the big one, doesn't it?

And I know what it is like when you feel just awful and try to hide it and yet you just know that your kids can see right into your soul because they are just too damn perceptive.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep dog paddling for a little longer....

Valerie said...

Aww sweetie I am so sorry you had a day like that. I am sending you a hug. Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Annie said...

Hoping you can make it out, soon.

Feel better.

Marshamlow said...

I am sending hugs. I hope you feel better soon. Make sure you tell your doctor that the current medication is not working for you. It never hurts to ask for another solution.

Shelli said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rotten day. Hugs to you.

Jay said...

Ongoing health problems are the pits, especially when they affect your mood. I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I hope you get some good sleep tonight and tomorrow is better.

Karly said...

Hormones are evil. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Bonnie the Boss said...

As a woman who suffers from depression, and comes from a long line of women who do. Know tat you are awesome ad one of my favorie blogs to read!! I wish I could help. It is hard because you don't want to be that way and the family doesn't always understand the irrational behavior. Going to bed is a good idea! Eat some chocolate while you are there.

laughin said...

I don't have the other health issues, but I do have depression. It is hard when Mom needs a day off to be introverted.

hugs

Zephra said...

Wow. A double whammy. I wish there was something I could do or say that would help but...

sending good thoughts your way.

Jennifer H said...

Wish there was something magic to say that would make all of it go away for you. It seems unfair when our bodies sabotage our minds and emotions, and it's all mixed up together.

Sending good thoughts. I hope you can find something that helps.

The Fritz Facts said...

Pitty party welcome anytime! We all need it, no matter what the cause.

I am hugging you in my head...feel it?

jen said...

i am so, so sorry. what a painful, sad thing. and to have to pretend otherwise, even worse.

it's ok. it is.

Laura said...

Sending you lots and lots of hugs, support and positive vibes. Hang in there.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Dear Wonderful Friends, thank you so much for the happy thoughts. Yesterday was rough too...but not as bad. By last night I was feeling better. Here's hoping that today is even better than that.

Thank you again. MUAH!

Queen Goob said...

I hope with all of my heart you slept well and woke up to a better day.

I will say that even though the day was tough - and it sounds like tough is a mild way of stating this – the following lines really caught in my heartstrings: "Thank you for coming to my pity party and letting me vent. Make sure to sign the guestbook on your way out."

Even on the tough days you have a sense of humor.

Thank God, right?!?!?

Karen said...

I was sort of spiraling last night and had to listen to some spiritual music to catch me. My scheduled PMS week is here, I can feel my heart getting heavier. I didn't yell at my kids last night, I stayed away. I'll reach out and do better tomorrow. Everyone has bad days. Hang in there. Get some Marvin Sapp amunition.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Hope you're feeling better now...

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh honey...thats terrible. I hate when I have days like that. Sometimes it lasts 5 days. I know all about PMSDD. I have it too very badly. Ive missed work as a result sometimes.

Hang in there and feel better!
xxoo

flemgobber said...

Sending good vibes your way.

Threeundertwo said...

Hugs and best wishes. This hormone thing is a nightmare for many of us, and it sounds like it's even more challenging for you.

When you feel better, prepare an "emergency kit" - chocolate, cds, bath salts, cheesy romance novels - whatever you know might help your mood even a little. Then force yourself to use it when the bad point in your cycle comes again. Good luck.