It is 8:30 pm and I am finally sitting in silence. The kids are in their rooms watching television and Mr. Schmitty is working. I am trying to write this post, but I'm having a hard time putting words together. I have too many thoughts running through my head. I can't make them stop, or at least slow down, so I can grasp one.
I've had a very rough day. I'm at the bottom of a deep, deep well and I'm trying to claw my way to the top. Just when I think I see the ledge, and a slight bit of hope begins to seep into my heart, I slip back down into the darkness. There is no one to call out to. No one to pull me up. My pride, flat-out, won't have it. I am stubbornly self-reliant, one of my greatest assets, yet, one of my greatest flaws.
I've been here before. My current state is familiar, but for some reason, today is the worst I have yet to experience. I know I'll pull through it, I always do, but each time I do, I feel like a piece of me has been crushed. I only pray I haven't crushed the souls of anyone else, specifically, my beautiful children. Whereas, I try to go through the routine of the day, normally, a smile plastered on my face, my children do seem to have a sense that something isn't quite right.
Mommy is sad and they are fully aware.
The depression today is making me a zombie. I am caught inside myself, looking out through my eyes, as though they are windows. I'm not really here. Not the real me anyway.
On my chest is a ten pound weight. It's not pressing exceedingly hard, only enough that I realize it's there. It's the same when the anxiety strikes, always that barely detectable pressure on my chest.
I know my issues are hormonal. I suffer from both PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). The symptoms of each disorder is draining enough, but the combination of the two makes me, at times, believe I will lose complete control.
The PMDD causes hormonal ups and downs. The symptoms are many, and I experience most of them, if not all, throughout every month. My PCOS has caused me almost a decade of infertility issues, insulin resistance, which accounted for my Gestational Diabetes times three, excessive weight gain, and other, more annoying problems.
The syndrome certainly doesn't help the disorder and vice versa.
I am caught in a constant, vicious cycle.
So, my dear friends. That is where I am right now. I take medication to assist in easing my depression/anxiety, and most days it does it's job. However, some days, not so much. Today is one of those days.
Thank you for coming to my pity party and letting me vent. Make sure to sign the guestbook on your way out.
I'm going to bed.